The number one question that we have been asked is what we need help with? I wish I knew!!! This has been so incredibly difficult for all of us. We are dealing with it in different ways. The only thing I can think of right now is we need prayers!!!!
The other thing I hear is, I don't know how you dealing with this and still have a smile on your face? The answer for that one is easy. If I don't smile, I will cry. I smile because I am doing the very best I can. I smile because I learned a long time ago that life goes on and dwelling on it doesn't make it any better. I smile because even as hard as this is right now its not forever. I smile because as bad as it is it can always be worse.I smile because my kids need to know it is okay to still be happy and have fun. And I smile because all of my kids need to know that it is going to be okay!!!! And when I smile, they know I am okay so they can be okay too. If I don't protect all of them and their childhood's who will? I am the Mom and that is what we do. At the same time I let them know that it is okay to cry, and to be sad. They need to know that we are sad and that we have to cry sometimes. One day at a time, I say that a lot. I really do believe that we will get through this, one day at a time.
for the Love of Grace
My Beautiful Grace
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Family fun minus one
Friday was the first Friday in months that Dad didn't have to work. His normal schedule is 4 ten hour days. With all the back and forth he has had to work on Friday's to get close to his hours. He has almost wiped out his personal time off. We were so excited to have him off and with the stress of the week we decided to treat Brother and Sister to some fun. And fun we had. We rode the train into downtown and had lunch. (3 out of 4 of us got sick, but it was the thought that counts) then we went to see Monsters University. (2 thumbs up on the movie, BTW) We did a little shopping before heading back home. It was a really nice time. The kids really needed the attention. Sister made it very clear that she needed some Mom time. She was attached to me the whole time. I was grateful that I was able to just focus on her. With Grace sometimes it's hard because she demands some much attention. I think Sister has just gotten use to sitting back. With Grace gone, Sister took the opportunity to have all my attention. I have to say it was really fun. Sister is such a funny little girl. She is always coming up with the most random thoughts that make us laugh. Brother I don't think liked as much attention. I started to notice that most of his clothes are too small. Then I started to think of the last time I really bought him any new summer clothes. That's when we decided shopping was going to be a necessary part of our day. He was not very happy about it at all. We still managed to make it fun for everyone. It was a lot of fun to see a side of our two kids that has been some what hidden by the need to have so much attention on Grace. It also started to make me some what relieved to have Grace some where safe so I could have this time with Brother and Sister. We miss her, but we are getting to see how bad this has been for so long. I worry about Brother and Sister because they have seen so much of Grace's outbursts. I wonder how it affects Sister especially. She is only 8. And really some of the outbursts have been pretty violent. I just hope that they will remember more of the family fun days and less of the other.
Leaving her was so hard!
On Monday we decided to find a residential treatment center. The hospital where Grace was admitted as a patient gave us several names of centers covered by our insuranse. I called around and found one that I liked and went to take a tour. The center is 75 miles away from our home, but seemed like the best place for Grace right now. As it turned out they had one bed available for Grace's age. I called to the hospital to tell them that I had found a bed. They were amazed, I guess it usually takes weeks to get a bed. We were able to get insurance to autorize her stay and we moved Grace on Wednesday.
Our day on Wednesday went something like this...
I was to the hospital by 8:30am to pick up Grace. Took her to another hospital near by to have Grace's cast removed. (10 weeks with a broken foot!) We finished about 10:15am. Just in time to find out insurance had approved Grace to be admitted to the residential treatment facility. We rushed back to the first hospital and got Grace officially discharged. I then had to stop to buy her some new tennis shoes (ones with out laces, in a women's size 8) and new underwear because I for got to pack her some. Then drive her the rest of the way to the new facility. I got her there at 12:15pm. Just in time to drop her off and be to work by 1:00pm. Talk about crazy!!!
So the drop off! I had a couple of outfits that I threw together that morning before leaving my house at 7:30am. (I took more things to her the following day) We walked in to the front lobby which was as far as I was allowed to go. They started by telling Grace some of the basic rules. She asked when she would be allowed to talk to or see me again? They told her that she would only be allowed to call me once a week, and we could only visit on the weekends. I forgot to ask about visiting hours when I took a tour of the facility. I was a little shocked myself, but in my defense I've never done this. I was more interested in where she would be sleeping and eating and going to school and what kinds of therapy they would be doing. Visiting hours didn't even cross my mind. Also the facility is 75 miles away. Not like we could go everyday even if we could visit. So at this point I am a matter of minutes from leaving her there and now I find out I won't even be able to talk to her for several days. You try not to cry at that point!!! Trust me it sucked!!! I turn to Grace and I tell her, I love you so much! I tell her she can do this and that this is what is best. I am not sure she believes me, I am not even sure if I believe me. I give her a big hug and they take her away. At that moment I want to scream NOOOOOOOO! But I know I can't! I have to do this, I kept telling myself over and over and over as I make myself walk to my car. I was really proud of myself for not crying. Knowing that I had to go to work and put on a happy face is the only reason I kept it together I am sure. This was one of those defining moments we all have as a parent. For me I had to tell myself that the hardest things are usually the best things. As the parent I know what is best, she is just a ten year old child. She is to young to call the shots or know what is best for her. I just have to hope that she knows I love her and that is why I did this. My biggest fear is her hating me for it! So for now it is one day at a time, some times it's one hour at a time.
We have to realize at the same time that all of this is going on that we still have two other kids that need our love and support. Telling Brother and Sister what was going to happen was so sad. Brother being almost twelve try's so hard to be brave. This time he couldn't. Seeing him upset is so hard. Sister was even worse. She just started to cry and she asked "now who am I going to share a room with" Talk about breaking your heart. That was killer!!!They are doing better now. They have good days and bad, maybe it's more like good moments and bad. They really are trying. They are sweet to remember Grace in all of their prayers.
For now the plan for Grace is to be in the program for 4 to 6 months. That is as long as the insurance will cover it. They can be really difficult to deal with. We will just have to keep fighting! We've made it this far, I'm not going to give up now.
Our day on Wednesday went something like this...
I was to the hospital by 8:30am to pick up Grace. Took her to another hospital near by to have Grace's cast removed. (10 weeks with a broken foot!) We finished about 10:15am. Just in time to find out insurance had approved Grace to be admitted to the residential treatment facility. We rushed back to the first hospital and got Grace officially discharged. I then had to stop to buy her some new tennis shoes (ones with out laces, in a women's size 8) and new underwear because I for got to pack her some. Then drive her the rest of the way to the new facility. I got her there at 12:15pm. Just in time to drop her off and be to work by 1:00pm. Talk about crazy!!!
So the drop off! I had a couple of outfits that I threw together that morning before leaving my house at 7:30am. (I took more things to her the following day) We walked in to the front lobby which was as far as I was allowed to go. They started by telling Grace some of the basic rules. She asked when she would be allowed to talk to or see me again? They told her that she would only be allowed to call me once a week, and we could only visit on the weekends. I forgot to ask about visiting hours when I took a tour of the facility. I was a little shocked myself, but in my defense I've never done this. I was more interested in where she would be sleeping and eating and going to school and what kinds of therapy they would be doing. Visiting hours didn't even cross my mind. Also the facility is 75 miles away. Not like we could go everyday even if we could visit. So at this point I am a matter of minutes from leaving her there and now I find out I won't even be able to talk to her for several days. You try not to cry at that point!!! Trust me it sucked!!! I turn to Grace and I tell her, I love you so much! I tell her she can do this and that this is what is best. I am not sure she believes me, I am not even sure if I believe me. I give her a big hug and they take her away. At that moment I want to scream NOOOOOOOO! But I know I can't! I have to do this, I kept telling myself over and over and over as I make myself walk to my car. I was really proud of myself for not crying. Knowing that I had to go to work and put on a happy face is the only reason I kept it together I am sure. This was one of those defining moments we all have as a parent. For me I had to tell myself that the hardest things are usually the best things. As the parent I know what is best, she is just a ten year old child. She is to young to call the shots or know what is best for her. I just have to hope that she knows I love her and that is why I did this. My biggest fear is her hating me for it! So for now it is one day at a time, some times it's one hour at a time.
We have to realize at the same time that all of this is going on that we still have two other kids that need our love and support. Telling Brother and Sister what was going to happen was so sad. Brother being almost twelve try's so hard to be brave. This time he couldn't. Seeing him upset is so hard. Sister was even worse. She just started to cry and she asked "now who am I going to share a room with" Talk about breaking your heart. That was killer!!!They are doing better now. They have good days and bad, maybe it's more like good moments and bad. They really are trying. They are sweet to remember Grace in all of their prayers.
For now the plan for Grace is to be in the program for 4 to 6 months. That is as long as the insurance will cover it. They can be really difficult to deal with. We will just have to keep fighting! We've made it this far, I'm not going to give up now.
Why....
This seems to be such a loaded question, Why??? Why do we.... There are never any perfect answers to the Why. We just try the best we can. Right now my why is... Why did this happen???
Let me explain, I am a wife, mother, and many other things. I find the most value in being a wife and mother. I have been married to my amazing husband since 2000. We decided to start our family right away and within 5 years had 3 beautiful children. A boy and two beautiful girls. (for privacy only Grace's name will be used, all others will be generic) Brother came first and is such a sweet and sensitive young man. I say young man because he will soon be 12. 15 months after Brother came our dear Grace. We were very surprised to find out that we were going to be blessed with another child so soon. We were very happy none the less. Sister came a couple of years later to complete out little family. Life for us has always been busy with life. We love to travel, camp, play games, and enjoy time with extended family and lots of friends. Life seemed as normal as it was for any other family. However we are starting to realize just how untrue that has been.
Grace came into this world about a month early. She has seemed inpatient from the beginning. She was born perfect and had a healthy weight so there were no concerns. Home we went to start our life as parents of two kids. Grace struggled with breathing problems from a very young age, but we just dealt with it. What more could we do? When Grace was about 2 or 3 we started to notice that she was very quick to anger. We just thought this was her personality. when she was 3 we decided to seek help. counseling seemed to pay off very quickly and we were happy with the results. So on life went. Life really seemed to revolve around Grace's breathing troubles. The Doctor's in our area were trying, but could never really figure out what was causing Grace so much trouble. When she was 5 and a half we were finally able to get the help Grace needed. We still struggled and by figuring out the problem came a lot of daily maintenance medications. But she seemed to be happy and healthier, so we were happy. After Grace's health seemed better we started to notice her anger coming back in a big way. We just told ourselves she was bigger and we just kept trying to help her. Years seemed to go by so quickly. About 2 years ago we moved our family from one state to another to make a job change for Dad. It was a good move for our family, better schools, better area, closer to family. Not long after we moved we started to notice Grace's quick temper in a big way. We started talking to her pediatrician and asking for advice. Our problem was we down played how things really were and so the advice matched a much smaller problem. Finally on Valentines day of last year Grace just lost it. I wish I could remember what started it? What I do remember is that this was not normal!!! This child needed help and fast. After about an hour of screaming and yelling from both Grace and Mom I knew we had to do something different. I some how got Grace loaded into the car (with child locks on the back doors) and I took her to the hospital. The whole way telling her I love her and that we needed help. Well by the time we arrived at the hospital she had calmed down and was back to her normal sweet self. We met with a social worker and were advised to follow up with her pediatrician. Which we did. Grace was given an anti anxiety medication and we actually saw fast results. Happy day!!! Unfortunately it was short lived. About six months later and one more move into a permanent home, life got crazy again. We started to see outbursts again. Slowly at first, one every two to three weeks. Then one a week, then every couple of days, then every other day. Finally we couldn't take it any more. So in December back to the hospital we went. Again by the time we arrived Grace had calmed down and the staff saw her sweet side. This time we were advised to seek therapy for Grace and our family. So a few days after Christmas we started with a therapist. The first few weeks we didn't see much change. After a few weeks we actually started to see some positive changes. We were getting really excited and hopeful. After a short time of enjoying some calm, everything took another turn. Everything got worse. Grace would be set off over the smallest things. One night Dad had to call me to come and help. I get home to find Grace had kicked 2 holes in the walls and had kicked Dad in the back about 20 times. It was crazy. Over the next two months we went through so many outbursts. Grace threw a chair at me, tried to kick the dog, multiple times of attempting to punch or hit all of us. She tried to run away on several occasions. She even kicked me in the knee and dislocated it. That was the final straw! We took her to a place that let her cool down. After a couple of days she got to come home. The next week actually got so much better. Then Grace broke her foot. She was on crutches. That was a bad idea. Now she had a weapon. Every time she would get angry she would use her crutch to hit us. I knew we couldn't do this any more. On the advice of our therapist we went back to the hospital. This time however I didn't talk to her or engage her at all. This time when we got to the hospital she was still angry. After several hours in the ER meeting with social workers and doctors it was decided that Grace needed more acute care. She was admitted to a psychiatric hospital. Finally!!! I say finally because this was the best option. I knew they would be able to keep Grace safe. Grace spent one week there and then was released from inpatient and was then in day treatment. After a week and half Grace blew up again and had to be re admitted to in patient. It was such a roller coaster. After another 5 days inpatient Grace came home again and continued with Day treatment. Day treatment seemed to really be helping Grace learn new tools to use when she was angry. We were so happy to see the new way Grace was handling everything. We still were having what we refer to as hiccups. Day treatment for Dad and Mom was pretty rough. The treatment facility was a hour away from home, and then another 30 minutes to Dad's work. If Mom took Grace or picked her up it was a 2 hour round trip. Dad didn't work a full 40 hour work week for 2 months. But we did it willingly. We even had friends helping pick Grace up, which was a great blessing. Grace was nearing her release date from day treatment and we were all ready to celebrate, then she blew up again. To Dad and I this was the hardest blow up of all. We knew that there were some pretty big consequences to this blow up. We took Grace back to day treatment a day earlier then expected. There with the doctors and staff we made the hardest decision any parent should have to make. We decided to put Grace in to a long term residential treatment center.
Now come the Whys....
.... Why is Grace like this?
.... Why couldn't We help her?
.... Why did all the other things we try not help her?
.... Why are other people not going through this?
.... Why does no one talk about this?
The last one is the biggest why for me... Why does this seem to be such a taboo topic to talk about? I didn't do anything wrong!! Grace has not done anything wrong. Sure my home has a feel holes, and she hurt my knee. I heeled! I decided to start this blog because we are so lucky to have so many wonderful friends and family all over the world that love and support Grace. I wanted to have place they could go for updates. Also I wanted to be open about this topic in hopes that people realize this is nothing that we have to be ashamed of. If this is more openly discussed then hopefully more people can seek help when needed. I am glad that we are getting Grace the help she needs now at ten years old. It is my hope that in a couple of years this will all be behind us and we will be a calm and happy family again. Please feel free to share this blog with others, hopefully it will help others going through the same things. Thanks for reading!!
Let me explain, I am a wife, mother, and many other things. I find the most value in being a wife and mother. I have been married to my amazing husband since 2000. We decided to start our family right away and within 5 years had 3 beautiful children. A boy and two beautiful girls. (for privacy only Grace's name will be used, all others will be generic) Brother came first and is such a sweet and sensitive young man. I say young man because he will soon be 12. 15 months after Brother came our dear Grace. We were very surprised to find out that we were going to be blessed with another child so soon. We were very happy none the less. Sister came a couple of years later to complete out little family. Life for us has always been busy with life. We love to travel, camp, play games, and enjoy time with extended family and lots of friends. Life seemed as normal as it was for any other family. However we are starting to realize just how untrue that has been.
Grace came into this world about a month early. She has seemed inpatient from the beginning. She was born perfect and had a healthy weight so there were no concerns. Home we went to start our life as parents of two kids. Grace struggled with breathing problems from a very young age, but we just dealt with it. What more could we do? When Grace was about 2 or 3 we started to notice that she was very quick to anger. We just thought this was her personality. when she was 3 we decided to seek help. counseling seemed to pay off very quickly and we were happy with the results. So on life went. Life really seemed to revolve around Grace's breathing troubles. The Doctor's in our area were trying, but could never really figure out what was causing Grace so much trouble. When she was 5 and a half we were finally able to get the help Grace needed. We still struggled and by figuring out the problem came a lot of daily maintenance medications. But she seemed to be happy and healthier, so we were happy. After Grace's health seemed better we started to notice her anger coming back in a big way. We just told ourselves she was bigger and we just kept trying to help her. Years seemed to go by so quickly. About 2 years ago we moved our family from one state to another to make a job change for Dad. It was a good move for our family, better schools, better area, closer to family. Not long after we moved we started to notice Grace's quick temper in a big way. We started talking to her pediatrician and asking for advice. Our problem was we down played how things really were and so the advice matched a much smaller problem. Finally on Valentines day of last year Grace just lost it. I wish I could remember what started it? What I do remember is that this was not normal!!! This child needed help and fast. After about an hour of screaming and yelling from both Grace and Mom I knew we had to do something different. I some how got Grace loaded into the car (with child locks on the back doors) and I took her to the hospital. The whole way telling her I love her and that we needed help. Well by the time we arrived at the hospital she had calmed down and was back to her normal sweet self. We met with a social worker and were advised to follow up with her pediatrician. Which we did. Grace was given an anti anxiety medication and we actually saw fast results. Happy day!!! Unfortunately it was short lived. About six months later and one more move into a permanent home, life got crazy again. We started to see outbursts again. Slowly at first, one every two to three weeks. Then one a week, then every couple of days, then every other day. Finally we couldn't take it any more. So in December back to the hospital we went. Again by the time we arrived Grace had calmed down and the staff saw her sweet side. This time we were advised to seek therapy for Grace and our family. So a few days after Christmas we started with a therapist. The first few weeks we didn't see much change. After a few weeks we actually started to see some positive changes. We were getting really excited and hopeful. After a short time of enjoying some calm, everything took another turn. Everything got worse. Grace would be set off over the smallest things. One night Dad had to call me to come and help. I get home to find Grace had kicked 2 holes in the walls and had kicked Dad in the back about 20 times. It was crazy. Over the next two months we went through so many outbursts. Grace threw a chair at me, tried to kick the dog, multiple times of attempting to punch or hit all of us. She tried to run away on several occasions. She even kicked me in the knee and dislocated it. That was the final straw! We took her to a place that let her cool down. After a couple of days she got to come home. The next week actually got so much better. Then Grace broke her foot. She was on crutches. That was a bad idea. Now she had a weapon. Every time she would get angry she would use her crutch to hit us. I knew we couldn't do this any more. On the advice of our therapist we went back to the hospital. This time however I didn't talk to her or engage her at all. This time when we got to the hospital she was still angry. After several hours in the ER meeting with social workers and doctors it was decided that Grace needed more acute care. She was admitted to a psychiatric hospital. Finally!!! I say finally because this was the best option. I knew they would be able to keep Grace safe. Grace spent one week there and then was released from inpatient and was then in day treatment. After a week and half Grace blew up again and had to be re admitted to in patient. It was such a roller coaster. After another 5 days inpatient Grace came home again and continued with Day treatment. Day treatment seemed to really be helping Grace learn new tools to use when she was angry. We were so happy to see the new way Grace was handling everything. We still were having what we refer to as hiccups. Day treatment for Dad and Mom was pretty rough. The treatment facility was a hour away from home, and then another 30 minutes to Dad's work. If Mom took Grace or picked her up it was a 2 hour round trip. Dad didn't work a full 40 hour work week for 2 months. But we did it willingly. We even had friends helping pick Grace up, which was a great blessing. Grace was nearing her release date from day treatment and we were all ready to celebrate, then she blew up again. To Dad and I this was the hardest blow up of all. We knew that there were some pretty big consequences to this blow up. We took Grace back to day treatment a day earlier then expected. There with the doctors and staff we made the hardest decision any parent should have to make. We decided to put Grace in to a long term residential treatment center.
Now come the Whys....
.... Why is Grace like this?
.... Why couldn't We help her?
.... Why did all the other things we try not help her?
.... Why are other people not going through this?
.... Why does no one talk about this?
The last one is the biggest why for me... Why does this seem to be such a taboo topic to talk about? I didn't do anything wrong!! Grace has not done anything wrong. Sure my home has a feel holes, and she hurt my knee. I heeled! I decided to start this blog because we are so lucky to have so many wonderful friends and family all over the world that love and support Grace. I wanted to have place they could go for updates. Also I wanted to be open about this topic in hopes that people realize this is nothing that we have to be ashamed of. If this is more openly discussed then hopefully more people can seek help when needed. I am glad that we are getting Grace the help she needs now at ten years old. It is my hope that in a couple of years this will all be behind us and we will be a calm and happy family again. Please feel free to share this blog with others, hopefully it will help others going through the same things. Thanks for reading!!
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