Why....

This seems to be such a loaded question, Why??? Why do we.... There are never any perfect answers to the Why. We just try the best we can. Right now my why is... Why did this happen??? 

Let me explain, I am a wife, mother, and many other things. I find the most value in being a wife and mother. I have been married to my amazing husband since 2000. We decided to start our family right away and within 5 years had 3 beautiful children. A boy and two beautiful girls. (for privacy only Grace's name will be used, all others will be generic) Brother came first and is such a sweet and sensitive young man. I say young man because he will soon be 12. 15 months after Brother came our dear Grace. We were very surprised to find out that we were going to be blessed with another child so soon. We were very happy none the less. Sister came a couple of years later to complete out little family. Life for us has always been busy with life. We love to travel, camp, play games, and enjoy time with extended family and lots of friends. Life seemed as normal as it was for any other family. However we are starting to realize just how untrue that has been.

Grace came into this world about a month early. She has seemed inpatient from the beginning. She was born perfect and had a healthy weight so there were no concerns. Home we went to start our life as parents of two kids. Grace struggled with breathing problems from a very young age, but we just dealt with it. What more could we do? When Grace was about 2 or 3 we started to notice that she was very quick to anger. We just thought this was her personality. when she was 3 we decided to seek help. counseling seemed to pay off very quickly and we were happy with the results. So on life went. Life really seemed to revolve around Grace's breathing troubles. The Doctor's in our area were trying, but could never really figure out what was causing Grace so much trouble. When she was 5 and a half we were finally able to get the help Grace needed. We still struggled and by figuring out the problem came a lot of daily maintenance medications. But she seemed to be happy and healthier, so we were happy. After Grace's health seemed better we started to notice her anger coming back in a big way. We just told ourselves she was bigger and we just kept trying to help her. Years seemed to go by so quickly. About 2 years ago we moved our family from one state to another to make a job change for Dad. It was a good move for our family, better schools, better area, closer to family. Not long after we moved we started to notice Grace's quick temper in a big way. We started talking to her pediatrician and asking for advice. Our problem was we down played how things really were and so the advice matched a much smaller problem. Finally on Valentines day of last year Grace just lost it. I wish I could remember what started it? What I do remember is that this was not normal!!! This child needed help and fast. After about an hour of screaming and yelling from both Grace and Mom I knew we had to do something different. I some how got Grace loaded into the car (with child locks on the back doors) and I took her to the hospital. The whole way telling her I love her and that we needed help. Well by the time we arrived at the hospital she had calmed down and was back to her normal sweet self. We met with a social worker and were advised to follow up with her pediatrician. Which we did. Grace was given an anti anxiety medication and we actually saw fast results. Happy day!!! Unfortunately it was short lived. About six months later and one more move into a permanent home, life got crazy again. We started to see outbursts again. Slowly at first, one every two to three weeks. Then one a week, then every couple of days, then every other day. Finally we couldn't take it any more. So in December back to the hospital we went. Again by the time we arrived Grace had calmed down and the staff saw her sweet side. This time we were advised to seek therapy for Grace and our family. So a few days after Christmas we started with a therapist. The first few weeks we didn't see much change. After a few weeks we actually started to see some positive changes. We were getting really excited and hopeful. After a short time of enjoying some calm, everything took another turn. Everything got worse. Grace would be set off over the smallest things. One night Dad had to call me to come and help. I get home to find Grace had kicked 2 holes in the walls and had kicked Dad in the back about 20 times. It was crazy. Over the next two months we went through so many outbursts. Grace threw a chair at me, tried to kick the dog, multiple times of attempting to punch or hit all of us. She tried to run away on several occasions. She even kicked me in the knee and dislocated it. That was the final straw! We took her to a place that let her cool down. After a couple of days she got to come home. The next week actually got so much better. Then Grace broke her foot. She was on crutches. That was a bad idea. Now she had a weapon. Every time she would get angry she would use her crutch to hit us. I knew we couldn't do this any more. On the advice of our therapist we went back to the hospital. This time however I didn't talk to her or engage her at all. This time when we got to the hospital she was still angry. After several hours in the ER meeting with social workers and doctors it was decided that Grace needed more acute care. She was admitted to a psychiatric hospital. Finally!!! I say finally because this was the best option. I knew they would be able to keep Grace safe. Grace spent one week there and then was released from inpatient and was then in day treatment. After a week and half Grace blew up again and had to be re admitted to in patient. It was such a roller coaster. After another 5 days inpatient Grace came home again and continued with Day treatment. Day treatment seemed to really be helping Grace learn new tools to use when she was angry. We were so happy to see the new way Grace was handling everything. We still were having what we refer to as hiccups. Day treatment for Dad and Mom was pretty rough. The treatment facility was a hour away from home, and then another 30 minutes to Dad's work. If Mom took Grace or picked her up it was a 2 hour round trip. Dad didn't work a full 40 hour work week for 2 months. But we did it willingly. We even had friends helping pick Grace up, which was a great blessing. Grace was nearing her release date from day treatment and we were all ready to celebrate, then she blew up again. To Dad and I this was the hardest blow up of all. We knew that there were some pretty big consequences to this blow up. We took Grace back to day treatment a day earlier then expected. There with the doctors and staff we made the hardest decision any parent should have to make. We decided to put Grace in to a long term residential treatment center.

Now come the Whys....

.... Why is Grace like this?

.... Why couldn't We help her?

.... Why did all the other things we try not help her?

.... Why are other people not going through this?

.... Why does no one talk about this?

The last one is the biggest why for me... Why does this seem to be such a taboo topic to talk about? I didn't do anything wrong!! Grace has not done anything wrong. Sure my home has a feel holes, and she hurt my knee. I heeled! I decided to start this blog because we are so lucky to have so many wonderful friends and family all over the world that love and support Grace. I wanted to have place they could go for updates. Also I wanted to be open about this topic in hopes that people realize this is nothing that we have to be ashamed of. If this is more openly discussed then hopefully more people can seek help when needed. I am glad that we are getting Grace the help she needs now at ten years old. It is my hope that in a couple of years this will all be behind us and we will be a calm and happy family again. Please feel free to share this blog with others, hopefully it will help others going through the same things.  Thanks for reading!!