Feeling Blue....

As I said in my last post this has been a really hard week and I am not dealing as well as I would like. My hope is that blogging will get it out and free my of these feelings!!! Here's hoping!!!

For some reason this week has been especially busy. Which seemed funny to me. Brother left at the begging of this week for camp. So I only had one child. Just Dad, me, and Sister. Sister was so excited to be an only child for the week. It was pretty cute!!! However being down one more child didn't mean I had any less to do. Work was very busy this week. I try very hard to manage my time well. This week I just couldn't seem to get a handle on it. Some how I did manage to accomplish everything that I needed to. Also I took the opportunity of only having one child to give Sister some added attention. We went and saw a movie that she has been wanting to see, we went and checked out a new splash pad near our house, we went to friends houses for play dates, had a sleep over, and went to a water park. Wow, no wonder I am exhausted!!! It was nice to be busy.

However all through out this crazy busy week our last visit with Grace has been on my mind. I called Hogwarts and talked to Grace's therapist. I needed to know how Grace was doing. I was wondering if she had come out of her bad mood. Well as it turns out she hadn't. She has had a hard time getting along with her roommates and following directions from staff. Her therapist said she was just a lot more down and not her happy self. I went in to Hogwarts on Friday for Grace's family therapy session. I was really surprised how bad Grace was doing. Every time Grace was asked a question she was defensive and would cry and yell. It was really hard to see her like this. Of course I've seen her like time about 100 times. It just never gets any easier to see. The therapist was actually kind of surprised. He had never seen Grace melt down like this before. After several attempts to calm Grace down we both realized she was not going to calm down in this situation. I told Grace that it was time for me to go and I stood up to leave. She completely lost it. Her therapist had call two staff members to take Grace back. He knew she wasn't going to go on her own. She grabbed onto me so tight. Here again was one of those moments were I just wanted to hold her and cry with her. It is such torture to hear her cry like that. I'm the MOM, I am suppose to make every thing all better. I know I can't right now. I have to do what's best. So when the therapist asked me to step out and to leave I had to. I hated walking down that hall away from her. I couldn't look back, I could hear Grace scream that scream that makes your hair stand up. I left and could do nothing for my baby. What kind of a Mother does that make me?  I have to trust so much right now... Trust that I am doing what is best for her, Trust the staff that they will treat her well, trust her therapist that he knows what he is doing, trust in my Heavenly Father that he will protect her. Trust is all I have today. Leaving after this visit was the hardest time to leave. I just cried. Thankfully after Grace was calm and safe her therapist called to tell me she was okay. That helped some, but it still was not easy. Also I was told that Grace will not be allowed to have her visit this weekend. We can't have Brother and Sister see her melt down so completly. They would not understand leaving her if she was screaming like that. It was really hard to tell them that there wouldn't be a visit this weekend. Grace won't find out until tomorrow that we are not able to come. Some of the hope is that when she finds out that she will kind of lose it. I know that sounds crazy, but there is a good reason behind it. Part of the plan right now is to throw Grace some curve balls. In order to keep her there and have it covered by our insurance she needs to act the way she does at home. Her therapist can only make this happen by kind of shaking things up. So as bad as it seems we need her to have some melt downs. Also when the staff can see and document the melt downs they can come up with more ways to help her. It is hard to fix something that you have never seen. Hopefully this will be helpful.

Today has been really hard. I have tried so hard to not let this get me down, but really how can it not? I want my family back under one roof. I want to be super mom and fix everything. I want to just make it all got away. Reality is not my friend today.

On my Mind

About two weeks ago we had an experience and I haven't been able to get it out of my mind. I think that means I am suppose to share it. We were eating lunch as a family at a local fast food restaurant. (minus one of course) At this time Grace had been gone about one week, so everything was just starting to sink in. I have had some pretty big ups and downs with my emotions trying to deal with all of this. On this particular day I was feeling pretty down. I was feeling a lot of guilt about if I was doing what was best for Grace. Anyway, we decided that we would eat outside. We sat down next to another family. They had a cute dog and it was a woman with her two grown daughters, and the daughters kids. There was this one little guy about 3 and he was so cute. He was just walking around the table and being so cute. I thought he was so adorable. He would say hi and talk and just was super friendly. We started to chat with the family about their dog and the adorable little boy. As we started to talk we noticed the older boy about 9 at their table. Turns out this boy was in town to be treated for cancer. He has been fighting cancer for about 3 or 4 years. He had just finished a very intense round of chemo and was heading back home. The Mother of this little guy was so upbeat and positvie. It truly amazed me. As we continued to chat we found out that the little guy we had be watching has cystic fibrosis. He also has been going through some pretty difficult treatments. The two moms were twin sisters. So here they bother are struggling to help their children fight life threatening illnesses. Both women were all smile and so friendly. You would think that life couldn't possible put one more thing on their plate, but wrong. Their mother is also fighting cancer. WOW!!! How much could one family take. I kid you not 20 minutes before this they seemed like just a typical family out for an afternoon lunch. Now in my mind this was a family of super heros. Here I was feeling sorry for myself and my family. Poor me, my poor child, my poor family!!! REALLY!!! What do I have to complain about? Grace is not going to be fighting for her life in all of this. Yes this sucks, and this is hard on all of this. At least we will get to bring her home and be together again. I did share with this family a little of our situation and told them that meeting their family was an amazing reality check for me. There is always someone going through more then you. Is this still hard? Absolutely!!!! But this is not the end of the world. This last week has been especially hard for me, however every time I think I can't take more I remember this amazing family. I know we meet people at times for specific reasons. I am grateful that I met this family on this day!!!

Not so good visit

Sorry it has taken so long to sit down and write this. It has been a really busy week. And honestly it was a tough visit which was really hard for me. Anyway here goes.

Last Friday I had the opportunity to go to Hogwarts for Grace's weekly therapy session. It is really nice to go and see her therapist work with her. I also get to hear more about how her week has gone. She is doing school and she has other activities she gets to participate in. This last week she shared that she is not getting along with one of her roommates. This actually made me laugh just a little because she doesn't get along with her roommate at home either. (aka, her sister) The visit was pretty basic overall. Really I enjoy the time because its just her and I. Dad chose not to come and we call him on speaker phone if he is needed. During our therapy session Grace's counselor told us that we could take Grace off campus if we would like. I was very hesitant at first. However, Grace's counselor felt like we needed to get Grace into some real world situations again. So we agreed. It was really fun to see the Look on Grace's face when we told her she got to leave for a few hours the next day with us. She was warned however that if there were any problems at all we would have to cut the visit short and take her back to Hogwarts. She said she understood and so we made plans. We decided that she needed a hair cut desperately and she wanted to go to her favorite restaurant. So with the plans made it was much easier for her to say good bye. It is always easier when it's see you tomorrow instead of see you next week. I have to say everyone was really excited for this visit. Even Brother and Sister couldn't wait. 

Saturday morning was unusually easy to get Brother and Sister up and moving. We got up and ready and out the door right on time. We made it to Hogwarts right on schedule. First stop was to get Grace a hair cut. Her poor hair was looking really sad. The school was having someone come in to do hair cuts, but from what I was told they are just awful hair cuts. Everything seemed to be going well. We were able to get the haircut done and out of the way. We decided after the hair cut that we were all ready for lunch. We drove over to where Grace had asked to eat and enjoyed a nice lunch. After lunch is when things seemed to fall apart. I needed to send a work email and review so things that could not wait. Dad and I told the kids that I need 10 to 15 minutes to take care of this. Grace and her brother and sister decided to go sit on the patio where we could see them. It was really sweet to see them just being kids. It seemed so normal really. I loved looking out the window, it almost made it hard to work. I really just wanted to enjoy the moment. After a few minutes Grace came back in. I could tell she was a little frustrated. Grace has always been easy to read when she is upset. Even as a baby. There was never any doubt about what kind of mood she was in. I asked her what was wrong and at first she tried to say nothing and act like everything was fine. I told her that I could tell something was wrong and that we needed to talk about it.  She said Sister was starting to bug her and that was making her upset. I told Grace that she needed to learn to deal with her sister that its just a part of life. We are always going to have someone that we have to deal with that we may not get along with perfectly. That is just a fact of life. She said ok, and that seemed to be the end of it until we left. We were in the car driving to the mall and I had to take a work call. While I was on the phone I noticed Grace and Sister starting to argue. I couldn't deal with it right away because I was on the phone. I felt bad about having to deal with work, but it absolutely could not have been avoided. Dad was able to park the car and took the kids into the mall while I finished my work call. I walked into the mall when I was finished and met up with everyone and I asked Grace about fighting with her sister. She immediately became defensive and rude to me. It was exactly what I expected and why I was nervous about taking her out in the first place. I had to remind my self that her counselor wanted to see if this would happen. I took a dee breath and asked her to stop and said I wanted us all to have a nice day. She apologized and we continued on. I could still tell that she was holding on to her anger. I tried to not play into it at all and just kept going. We were walking through the mall and Sister decided to walk away from us. Dad and I didn't notice right away so Grace decided we needed to know. Which I agree that we did need to know. However Grace's goal was not to report it was to tattle. She decided to used a very snarky and rude tone of voice. I asked Grace to please change her tone of voice and to be nice to her sister. She said why? I'm fine. I told her no, she was being rude and that I didn't like her tone of voice. She said whatever and walked off. I felt like I had to let it go. It was not my goal to make a scene in the middle of the mall. We continued to walk through the mall just window shopping. We went into a store where I was interested in a really cute dress and I asked Grace for some help. Mostly I was trying to bring her out of her fowl mood and move on. She answered very rudely and said she didn't want to help me. I went into a dressing room and I came out to show Dad and I could tell that he was still struggling with Grace. I knew at this point this was no longer a leisurely afternoon of shopping. I hurried to change back and knew it was time to leave the mall. I was hoping we could go somewhere else and that would help. The next few minutes she just crashed. We couldn't even talk to her with out her giving us dirty looks and talking back. I warned her that if she didn't change her attitude we would have to take her back early. I really wanted to keep her as long as we were allowed. We still had over an hour before she had to be back. Really and honestly at this point I just wanted to yell and say cut it out. But really I knew even if I could yell at her it would have done no good. When I told her if she didn't cut it out we would have to go back she said fine, I don't care. She just got more angry and verbally aggressive towards everyone but Brother. We went directly to the car. There was nothing more that could be done. Once we got to the car and throughout the drive back to Hogwarts she was back and forth being mean and then trying to beg us not to go back. When we got back to school she hugged Dad, Brother, and Sister in the parking lot. I walked her back in and signed her in. When they came to take her back I said goodbye and she didn't even look at me. She barley even said goodbye back to me,  and walked back and the door closed. I thought well that went just great. I needed to wait for the on call therapist to come and speak with me so I sat down in the lobby. Not even 10 seconds after the door closed I could her Grace scream. They opened the door again and brought her back to the lobby, she jumped into my arms and begged me not to leave her. Talk about a roller coaster of emotions. I let her hug me for a minute then I told her that I loved her but that she needed to go now. It took telling her a few times but she finally let go and went on her own. In some ways I wish the staff member would not have let Grace come back out. I think it would have let a bigger impact with her if she had to live with he fact that she didn't really say good bye and then not get to see me for a whole week. I talked to the therapist about this and he actually agreed with me. He is going to talk to the staff and so it shouldn't happen again. I was glad to hear that I am on the right track. It is never my goal to be mean. My only goal is to help her. Unfortunately we are at the point of tough love. That seems to be the hardest and most demanding emotionally to give. It is pretty easy to love when all is well, it is really hard to love when you feel like the whole world is crashing down around you. 

As terrible as the visit went it was actually good for a couple of reasons. One, it shows Dad and I that we did the right thing by taking Grace to Hogwarts. Honestly we have struggled somewhat with this decision. When we talk to her or her therapist and we hear all is well. Grace is being so good, there are no problems. We start to feel like total failures. We start asking "what are we doing so wrong?" We have to take a step back and realize that she is in what they call the honeymoon phase. In the beginning it is new and everyone is her friend. Now that she is settling in its a whole new ball game. Second, having Grace comfortable enough to melt down gives the staff an idea on ho to help her. If they never ever see what we see how can they help her?  And third, if she doesn't melt down and if the staff can't log it. If the staff can't log it then the therapist can't put it in his report and the insurance will not deem it medically necessary to have her there. At that point we would either have to bring her home or we would have to self pay.  It is several hundred dollars per day to keep her there. Ouch!!!! We really need the insurance to make this work. 

Sunday visit

Sunday we all made the drive back to Hogwarts. This time we had treats and games. On the weekends we are able to have a nice long visit. We brought in doughnuts and some fresh fruit. We arrived and were taken to a visiting room with Grace. We settled in and started by enjoying some real food. At least the fruit was real food. We then played game after game. It was so normal. Our family loves to play games. And for just a little while it was almost easy to forget where we were. All the kids were being silly and talking and just being kids. I loved every minute of it. I was able to show Grace some pictures of things we had done over the holiday weekend. We went to a wedding and to a friends cabin. Both were a lot of fun. (still weird to have one less with us) We told Grace how much she has been missed. She was very upbeat and loved telling us how she wants things to be different when she is able to come home. It is nice to see her trying. I have to admit that Dad and I are not sure how to take what she says. She has been in therapy for quite awhile, and she is good and talking the talk. We would like to see her walk the walk too. We could tell when Grace was coming to the end of her rope. We were playing a game and Sister started to bug her a little. The more Sister was hitting a nerve the more Grace was getting upset. We asked Sister to stop but Grace was already set off. I was impressed it took 3 hours for this to happen. Sister and Grace seem to be fire and ice. We decided it was time to go. We packed up all the games and food stuff and headed out. We had to sign out at the front desk and that's where Grace lost it again. I have to say she defiantly tried harder to hold it together this time. I turned to look at her one more time as I walked through the door and she was sobbing. I am glad that we went to see her, but it breaks my heart that she is so upset when we go. Hopefully that is what is helping her to work hard so that she can come home.

Group meeting

Last Wednesday Dad and I went to have a counseling session with Grace and her therapist. (We have decided also to refer to the facility that Grace is in as Hogwarts.) Seeing how Hogwarts is so far from home we took Brother and Sister with us. It was really nice to see all of our kids together even for just a little while. Brother and Sister sat outside in the hall for most of the meeting. Dad and I were really happy with how Grace's counselor was interacting with Grace. There were things that he was doing that we had spent two months trying to do in the last place. We really feel like Hogwarts is a great place for Grace. We were also able to meet with Grace's new doctor. She is so nice. Everyone really seems to be so in tune with Grace and her needs. I am very grateful that we have Grace is an environment that she can really learn and grow. We all were able to talk about what our plans and goals are for Grace to work on so that she can come home soon. I feel like our concerns are very much being addressed and heard. Again progress over the last place Grace was at. Of course that hardest part of the visit was having to say good bye. Grace was very upset and wrapped her arms around me and wouldn't let go. I finally had to say to her that if she didn't let go of me that we would not be able to come and visit over the weekend. It took her about a second and then she let go. It is so hard to be the mom and to put on the happy face. I wanted to just hold her and cry. I want to scream why can't I make this all better? I know it won't do any good, but I still want to do it. I think that is just the mom in me. I wake up every morning and I know I am a mom. However there are times like these that I feel the mom in me coming out. I think its that instinct to protect my children. I have to remember that having Grace at Hogwarts is what's best for her and all of us right now. It will also make bringing her home that much sweeter when she is ready. One day at a time, again!!!

A Good Monday!

Turns out there is such a thing as a good Monday. I was able to talk to Grace again yesterday. She sounded so much better yesterday then she did on Sunday. When I talked to Grace on Sunday she was sad because she couldn't find her pictures. Thankfully Mom to the rescue. I am the keeper of all lost things. Even from a distance. I told her where I thought I had seen her place the pictures. She was so happy to tell me that I was right about where they were and having them made her feel better. I only let her pick out 6 pictures to keep with her. She choose a family picture, a picture of her with her dog, a picture of Dad and I at a basketball game, and a couple of her with Brother and Sister. It was sweet to see her think about each picture. It is hard to decide where to draw the line on different things. You want her to feel comfortable, but at the same time this is not suppose to be a fun time either. Grace was happy to tell me that she was able to start school yesterday. Having something to do is good for her. I also was able to talk to her therapist and find out she actually had a rough weekend following directions and being rude to the staff. This is good because it gives reason for the insurance to keep paying for her to be kept there. If she were being a perfect angel all the time then the insurance would say there is no reason to keep her there, therefore no reason to pay. I am happy I was able to hear her not cry and actually sound somewhat normal. I am looking forward to seeing Grace at therapy tomorrow. She doesn't know that she gets to see Dad and I. It will be so fun to surprise her.

First Phone Call

We were able to talk to Grace yesterday!!!!! It was so wonderful to hear Grace's voice. It was also so emotional for all of us. We asked Brother and Sister to try not to cry. It was already so hard on Grace. We got to talk for about 45 minutes. It was so hard she kept begging for us to come and see her. They have asked us to not come until this coming Saturday. I have to say it is so hard to not talk to her everyday, and to not be able to see her for this long is so difficult. While we were talking to Grace she was upset because she could not find the pictures she had of our family. I was able to remind her of where I thought they got out. I am hoping that she found them and that made her day better. One thing we do with our kids at dinner time is we ask them their high and their low for the day. Dad was so sweet to think to ask her that on the phone. Of course her high was talking to us. Her low was not being able to see us in person. It breaks our heart to hear her so sad. She was so frustrated because she says things are moving slowly on the facilities part and they had not got her placed into the school program last week. She had a lot of down time to sit. That to me would be worse because time would go by so slowly. She also said that she wishes she could have got to the facility sooner because then she would almost be done by now. I thought that was interesting to her that from her. Brother talked to Grace and it was so sweet to hear him tell her I love you and I miss you. When they are all together they fight so much, but when they are apart they are so sad. Brother and Grace are only 15 months apart. Neither one of them remembers life with out the other. Sister had a really hard time trying to keep it together while talking to Grace. She was able to tell Grace that she was taking care of her stuffed animals. Sister is also taking care of Grace's dog. At this point none of us knows what to say to Grace. What do we tell her? If we tell her about the lunch and movie we went to then she will be sad. She needs to know that life goes on, but I don't want her to be hurt either. We did talk about when we do come to see her what we can bring her. We are allowed to bring in food. She asked for us to bring her Panda Express. I guess she is not eating well. I hope that the visit goes well. I can't wait until Saturday.

Because Life isn't hard enough right now!!!

I just have to start this post by saying WOW!!!! So last Thursday night we were just finishing dinner when we had a knock at the door. Dad answered the door to a man neither of us knew. The man identified himself as an employee of the state, from the child welfare dept. I couldn't believe it. At first I thought this must be normal for having a child going through what Grace is going through. Then he dropped a bomb. He was investigating a report on Brother. I was so shocked. The had a report that I had hit him and left marks on him. I just lost it and started to cry. So the only think I could think of was a really bad day that we had in May. Brother had a really bad day and instead of being content to wait it out in his room he argued and yelled at me for two hours. I did lose it, I'll admit it. I called Dad and said I needed him to come home from work and help me. He left work, but it takes 30 minutes to get home. Brother had been going out of windows and telling me I couldn't make him do anything. All of this started because he decide to tell me he was sick, when he really wasn't The fight started because he wanted to read and I said that he could, but that at the end of the day he need to write a 2 page book report. It was such a crazy day. He pushed and pushed every button I had for 2 hours. I tried to spank him (yes I do spank, please don't judge its not illegal) Well good luck spanking a almost 12 year old boy. I did end up smacking him in the shoulder. I immediately regretted it. I even ended up packing my stuff and telling Dad when he got home that I couldn't stay. He sat down and talked with Brother, and he realized that he should have backed off. Really I know I was the one who should have held it together.I in no way blame Brother, he is not the adult. I explained all of this to the State worker. In the end he felt that it was not something that would be defined as abuse. Also to clarify I have never left a mark on any of my kids. The next thing we were told made me laugh. There was also a  report that we lock our kids in closets as punishment. REALLY!!!! Who is telling you these lies???? Dad asked if he wanted to see our closets? None of them have locks. I just could not believe what I was hearing. They did ask to talk to Brother alone, and since we have nothing to hide we were fine with it.  In the end the State worker felt there were no concerns and it should be done. Talk about overwhelming. This really was not what we needed right now. I understand that have to keep kids safe, that's fine. The time just really could not have been any worse. I am not a perfect mom, I have never said that I am. I am doing the best that I can. At the end of the day I can just hope that it is enough!

Medication?

The one problem we keep running into is everyone wants to medicate Grace. My thoughts... I want Grace to learn to be able to control her temper because she has been given the tools to do so. Am I asking for the world? I am afraid of medications making her a zombie or masking the good parts of Grace. The other problem with medications are there are so many different ones. The doctors want to "try" medications. I have to say that I am more comfortable with her in the residential facility and them working on finding a medication and a dose that works. I am glad that we still have the final say in what she is given. When Grace was in the hospital I didn't like the idea of giving her a medication and then sending her home to see if it works. I was afraid of her completely blowing up and us trying to figure out what to do. I think a past experience may be playing into my fears a little. Last year Grace had been given lortab for pain after a surgery. Within two hours Grace had a major reaction to the lortab. She had a full psychosis episode. Talk about scary. She was screaming that she wanted to die. She said let me die in peace, I don't want to die in pain. That was such a scary night. Taking Grace to the hospital that night was so stressful. Dad held Grace while I drove. I was in tears and flying down the road trying to get to the hospital as soon as possible. I feel like this is what is making me so nervous about the doctors giving her different medications. I keep telling my self to just have faith in the process.