Feeling Blue....

As I said in my last post this has been a really hard week and I am not dealing as well as I would like. My hope is that blogging will get it out and free my of these feelings!!! Here's hoping!!!

For some reason this week has been especially busy. Which seemed funny to me. Brother left at the begging of this week for camp. So I only had one child. Just Dad, me, and Sister. Sister was so excited to be an only child for the week. It was pretty cute!!! However being down one more child didn't mean I had any less to do. Work was very busy this week. I try very hard to manage my time well. This week I just couldn't seem to get a handle on it. Some how I did manage to accomplish everything that I needed to. Also I took the opportunity of only having one child to give Sister some added attention. We went and saw a movie that she has been wanting to see, we went and checked out a new splash pad near our house, we went to friends houses for play dates, had a sleep over, and went to a water park. Wow, no wonder I am exhausted!!! It was nice to be busy.

However all through out this crazy busy week our last visit with Grace has been on my mind. I called Hogwarts and talked to Grace's therapist. I needed to know how Grace was doing. I was wondering if she had come out of her bad mood. Well as it turns out she hadn't. She has had a hard time getting along with her roommates and following directions from staff. Her therapist said she was just a lot more down and not her happy self. I went in to Hogwarts on Friday for Grace's family therapy session. I was really surprised how bad Grace was doing. Every time Grace was asked a question she was defensive and would cry and yell. It was really hard to see her like this. Of course I've seen her like time about 100 times. It just never gets any easier to see. The therapist was actually kind of surprised. He had never seen Grace melt down like this before. After several attempts to calm Grace down we both realized she was not going to calm down in this situation. I told Grace that it was time for me to go and I stood up to leave. She completely lost it. Her therapist had call two staff members to take Grace back. He knew she wasn't going to go on her own. She grabbed onto me so tight. Here again was one of those moments were I just wanted to hold her and cry with her. It is such torture to hear her cry like that. I'm the MOM, I am suppose to make every thing all better. I know I can't right now. I have to do what's best. So when the therapist asked me to step out and to leave I had to. I hated walking down that hall away from her. I couldn't look back, I could hear Grace scream that scream that makes your hair stand up. I left and could do nothing for my baby. What kind of a Mother does that make me?  I have to trust so much right now... Trust that I am doing what is best for her, Trust the staff that they will treat her well, trust her therapist that he knows what he is doing, trust in my Heavenly Father that he will protect her. Trust is all I have today. Leaving after this visit was the hardest time to leave. I just cried. Thankfully after Grace was calm and safe her therapist called to tell me she was okay. That helped some, but it still was not easy. Also I was told that Grace will not be allowed to have her visit this weekend. We can't have Brother and Sister see her melt down so completly. They would not understand leaving her if she was screaming like that. It was really hard to tell them that there wouldn't be a visit this weekend. Grace won't find out until tomorrow that we are not able to come. Some of the hope is that when she finds out that she will kind of lose it. I know that sounds crazy, but there is a good reason behind it. Part of the plan right now is to throw Grace some curve balls. In order to keep her there and have it covered by our insurance she needs to act the way she does at home. Her therapist can only make this happen by kind of shaking things up. So as bad as it seems we need her to have some melt downs. Also when the staff can see and document the melt downs they can come up with more ways to help her. It is hard to fix something that you have never seen. Hopefully this will be helpful.

Today has been really hard. I have tried so hard to not let this get me down, but really how can it not? I want my family back under one roof. I want to be super mom and fix everything. I want to just make it all got away. Reality is not my friend today.