Not so good visit

Sorry it has taken so long to sit down and write this. It has been a really busy week. And honestly it was a tough visit which was really hard for me. Anyway here goes.

Last Friday I had the opportunity to go to Hogwarts for Grace's weekly therapy session. It is really nice to go and see her therapist work with her. I also get to hear more about how her week has gone. She is doing school and she has other activities she gets to participate in. This last week she shared that she is not getting along with one of her roommates. This actually made me laugh just a little because she doesn't get along with her roommate at home either. (aka, her sister) The visit was pretty basic overall. Really I enjoy the time because its just her and I. Dad chose not to come and we call him on speaker phone if he is needed. During our therapy session Grace's counselor told us that we could take Grace off campus if we would like. I was very hesitant at first. However, Grace's counselor felt like we needed to get Grace into some real world situations again. So we agreed. It was really fun to see the Look on Grace's face when we told her she got to leave for a few hours the next day with us. She was warned however that if there were any problems at all we would have to cut the visit short and take her back to Hogwarts. She said she understood and so we made plans. We decided that she needed a hair cut desperately and she wanted to go to her favorite restaurant. So with the plans made it was much easier for her to say good bye. It is always easier when it's see you tomorrow instead of see you next week. I have to say everyone was really excited for this visit. Even Brother and Sister couldn't wait. 

Saturday morning was unusually easy to get Brother and Sister up and moving. We got up and ready and out the door right on time. We made it to Hogwarts right on schedule. First stop was to get Grace a hair cut. Her poor hair was looking really sad. The school was having someone come in to do hair cuts, but from what I was told they are just awful hair cuts. Everything seemed to be going well. We were able to get the haircut done and out of the way. We decided after the hair cut that we were all ready for lunch. We drove over to where Grace had asked to eat and enjoyed a nice lunch. After lunch is when things seemed to fall apart. I needed to send a work email and review so things that could not wait. Dad and I told the kids that I need 10 to 15 minutes to take care of this. Grace and her brother and sister decided to go sit on the patio where we could see them. It was really sweet to see them just being kids. It seemed so normal really. I loved looking out the window, it almost made it hard to work. I really just wanted to enjoy the moment. After a few minutes Grace came back in. I could tell she was a little frustrated. Grace has always been easy to read when she is upset. Even as a baby. There was never any doubt about what kind of mood she was in. I asked her what was wrong and at first she tried to say nothing and act like everything was fine. I told her that I could tell something was wrong and that we needed to talk about it.  She said Sister was starting to bug her and that was making her upset. I told Grace that she needed to learn to deal with her sister that its just a part of life. We are always going to have someone that we have to deal with that we may not get along with perfectly. That is just a fact of life. She said ok, and that seemed to be the end of it until we left. We were in the car driving to the mall and I had to take a work call. While I was on the phone I noticed Grace and Sister starting to argue. I couldn't deal with it right away because I was on the phone. I felt bad about having to deal with work, but it absolutely could not have been avoided. Dad was able to park the car and took the kids into the mall while I finished my work call. I walked into the mall when I was finished and met up with everyone and I asked Grace about fighting with her sister. She immediately became defensive and rude to me. It was exactly what I expected and why I was nervous about taking her out in the first place. I had to remind my self that her counselor wanted to see if this would happen. I took a dee breath and asked her to stop and said I wanted us all to have a nice day. She apologized and we continued on. I could still tell that she was holding on to her anger. I tried to not play into it at all and just kept going. We were walking through the mall and Sister decided to walk away from us. Dad and I didn't notice right away so Grace decided we needed to know. Which I agree that we did need to know. However Grace's goal was not to report it was to tattle. She decided to used a very snarky and rude tone of voice. I asked Grace to please change her tone of voice and to be nice to her sister. She said why? I'm fine. I told her no, she was being rude and that I didn't like her tone of voice. She said whatever and walked off. I felt like I had to let it go. It was not my goal to make a scene in the middle of the mall. We continued to walk through the mall just window shopping. We went into a store where I was interested in a really cute dress and I asked Grace for some help. Mostly I was trying to bring her out of her fowl mood and move on. She answered very rudely and said she didn't want to help me. I went into a dressing room and I came out to show Dad and I could tell that he was still struggling with Grace. I knew at this point this was no longer a leisurely afternoon of shopping. I hurried to change back and knew it was time to leave the mall. I was hoping we could go somewhere else and that would help. The next few minutes she just crashed. We couldn't even talk to her with out her giving us dirty looks and talking back. I warned her that if she didn't change her attitude we would have to take her back early. I really wanted to keep her as long as we were allowed. We still had over an hour before she had to be back. Really and honestly at this point I just wanted to yell and say cut it out. But really I knew even if I could yell at her it would have done no good. When I told her if she didn't cut it out we would have to go back she said fine, I don't care. She just got more angry and verbally aggressive towards everyone but Brother. We went directly to the car. There was nothing more that could be done. Once we got to the car and throughout the drive back to Hogwarts she was back and forth being mean and then trying to beg us not to go back. When we got back to school she hugged Dad, Brother, and Sister in the parking lot. I walked her back in and signed her in. When they came to take her back I said goodbye and she didn't even look at me. She barley even said goodbye back to me,  and walked back and the door closed. I thought well that went just great. I needed to wait for the on call therapist to come and speak with me so I sat down in the lobby. Not even 10 seconds after the door closed I could her Grace scream. They opened the door again and brought her back to the lobby, she jumped into my arms and begged me not to leave her. Talk about a roller coaster of emotions. I let her hug me for a minute then I told her that I loved her but that she needed to go now. It took telling her a few times but she finally let go and went on her own. In some ways I wish the staff member would not have let Grace come back out. I think it would have let a bigger impact with her if she had to live with he fact that she didn't really say good bye and then not get to see me for a whole week. I talked to the therapist about this and he actually agreed with me. He is going to talk to the staff and so it shouldn't happen again. I was glad to hear that I am on the right track. It is never my goal to be mean. My only goal is to help her. Unfortunately we are at the point of tough love. That seems to be the hardest and most demanding emotionally to give. It is pretty easy to love when all is well, it is really hard to love when you feel like the whole world is crashing down around you. 

As terrible as the visit went it was actually good for a couple of reasons. One, it shows Dad and I that we did the right thing by taking Grace to Hogwarts. Honestly we have struggled somewhat with this decision. When we talk to her or her therapist and we hear all is well. Grace is being so good, there are no problems. We start to feel like total failures. We start asking "what are we doing so wrong?" We have to take a step back and realize that she is in what they call the honeymoon phase. In the beginning it is new and everyone is her friend. Now that she is settling in its a whole new ball game. Second, having Grace comfortable enough to melt down gives the staff an idea on ho to help her. If they never ever see what we see how can they help her?  And third, if she doesn't melt down and if the staff can't log it. If the staff can't log it then the therapist can't put it in his report and the insurance will not deem it medically necessary to have her there. At that point we would either have to bring her home or we would have to self pay.  It is several hundred dollars per day to keep her there. Ouch!!!! We really need the insurance to make this work.