Trying to keep it together

Some days are easier than others. I have been really sick this week. Most likely stress induced. I've had two migraines in 3 days. Not fun at all!!! I am trying so hard but feel completely inadequate. I hope this feeling goes away. I want to be strong for Grace and all my kids. They think they have come up with a diagnosis or multiple diagnosis really. I am struggling with there being more diagnosis then she has names. That just seems like more than any child or person really needs. I am just feeling really down today. I don't need to bring everyone else down.

On the bright side I am going to go get Grace to day for a 2 night visit. She came last weekend and she had a great visit. Last weekends good visit is making all of us looking forward to this visit even more. We are learning new tools to help Grace before she gets so upset that she completely blows up. Last weekend was the 3 week mark from her last major blow up. For the last six months she has had a blow up every three weeks like clock work. The fact that we made it past last week with out any major problems is a major victory. Doesn't mean she is ready to come home, but it defiantly gives us a lot of hope for the future. Here is hoping for the same for this visit.

Not to much else going on right now. I am dreading the next couple of months. Next week is Grace's 11th birthday. Then we go into the Holiday season. I am not sure how to handle the holidays with out her here. I want to make everything as nice and as normal as possible for Brother and Sister. It just will be weird with out all of my kids together. I am sure it will be much more difficult for her.

We are still trying to raise funds for Grace's care. Please if you are able, donate. Thanks for all of the love and support.

Getting nowhere... FAST

We tried to appeal the denial today. That didn't work. It is so ridiculous that the insurance can do this. When the insurance company called to tell us that we were still denied they asked do you want to have a level 2 appeal? Well let me see? YES!!!! I will never stop fighting. This is just so completely frustrating. I can see why there are so many people out there fighting mental illness that just go completely crazy. If you aren't crazy to start you will  be by the time you're done dealing with the insurance company. Hopefully tomorrow Grace's case will go to someone who can help.

We know our time is limited with the insurance paying for Grace's care. We are so grateful for the time they have paid. Unfortunately it is not enough time. The time has come to get creative. We have set up a fund raiser on gofundme.com. In two days we have raised $540.00. We feel so completely loved and blessed. I will add a link in case anyone is interested or able to help. In addition to that I am also hosting a origami owl party. The consultant is a good friend and is going to donate all of her commission to Grace. What a sweet thing for her to do. Again I will post a link for her website. Just be sure if you purchase anything that at checkout in the drop down box you select Grace's fundraiser. Origami owl has some really cute jewelry. I actually ordered a necklace that is a dog tag that says Grace. I can't wait to get it.

http://www.gofundme.com/4ppzx4

http://owlloveyoualways.origamiowl.com/

In addition to these two fund raisers we are going to do a community fund raiser. We are planning a dinner and action in November. We are just starting to plan. We have been working on this since Tuesday and already have a venue to host the dinner as well as donations for the action. Hilton has even donated a free nights stay to auction off. Also any free gifts earned from the Origami Owl party will go into the auction as well. We are hoping for lots of community support. If you are interested in helping us plan this event please contact me. We need lots of help as well as donations to sell at the auction.

I have to say again how loved and blessed we have felt this week. Our blog hits have gone through the roof. I am so grateful the Grace's story is getting out there. I hope we can bring more awareness to these sensitive issues.

Denied!!!

Grace is officially denied! Just as I thought the insurance has stopped covering today. The Doctor from the insurance company talked to Grace's doctor. After a very long conversation the Doctor from the insurance agreed that Grace needs long term care but says they will not pay for it. It is so completely frustrating. They know she needs help that she can only get at this facility and yet they will not pay. Our insurance has an unlimited benefit for mental health. What a joke, unlimited until they decide they are done I guess. 

We are so overwhelmed by this situation. Talking to Grace this past weekend she even said that she doesn't feel ready to come home. She knows that she needs the help. She wants to get better so that she can come home. My biggest fear is if we have to bring her home that she will be home for a short time before she blows up again and ends up back at UNI. Bouncing her around between treatment centers will slow and back slide her progress. 

I am so desperate. I'd cry, but then I wouldn't get anything done at all. So I just write and share my feelings will people who are reading this blog. LAst month because I was away I didn't post anything. We had almost 500 hits for the whole month. Today alone we have had over 850. SO please keep doing what you are doing. Please share the blog, repost on Facebook, pinterest, twitter and any where else that you can. I feel like the more Grace's story is heard that we will be able to get her the help she deserves. 

I read a story on CNN today about a boy who was able to sneak onto a flight to Las Vegas. In the story the Dad was pleading for help for his son. He said that his family has tried to get the boys bad behavior under control. I felt for this man. I know what it feels like to feel helpless while your child is out of contriol. What made me the most sad was everyone in the comments totally ripping this family and blaming the parents. This was my response. 

I have a child with behavior problems and I have done everything I can for her. My child is in a residential treatment center and we are trying to get her help.  My husband has a good job with insurance. We were promised an unlimited Mental health benefit. My child is nowhere near ready to come home, but the insurance has decided she is no longer their problem, and has quit paying. If we can't find a way to pay then I have no choice but to bring her home. Her care is over $10,000 a month. Tell me how any one can pay for that? I have two other children who are not acting out, so I don't think I am a bad parent. I have a child with special needs and no way to help her. Don't judge these parents. They are desperate and trying their best to get help. The dad is right, if he spanks his child then everyone will judge him and he will be in trouble. What is this family suppose to do?  

I want to share our story because more people need to understand that mental illness is an illness. Behavior problems often fall into this category. Don't judge others, try to help. 

Please keep praying for our Grace!!!

I'm Back

Sorry I've been MIA. I haven't forgotten to blog I promise. I went away for a few weeks. Some much need rest and relaxation.

The past almost two months have been very much more of the same. Fighting to keep Grace at Hogwarts. At the same time we are seeing a blow up every three weeks with out fail. You would think this would make the insurance say "well lets get past three weeks before we even think of sending her home". Nope, every time just before we know she is going to blow up the insurance tries to stop paying. It is so frustrating. Every time I feel like I can't fight this battle any longer someone helps me find a way to keep going. I am truly very blessed with an amazing support system in my life. I thank all of you for the strength that you give me. Just knowing that people care enough to read this blog is amazing to me.

While I was away on my trip the insurance company quit paying for Grace's care. Not only did they quit paying, they waited to tell us until 6 days later. We couldn't believe that they could do this, but they did. We had been blessed with some finical assistance from family and friends so we made a payment to Hogwarts. At the same time we appealed the denial. Amazingly we won the appeal. From what we have been told, that almost never happens. Thankfully we could keep going. The crazy thing was they denied coverage 5 days after Grace had a massive melt down. It was the worst melt down any of us had seen and we all thought there was no way the insurance could deny coverage after that. Wrong again. Good thing both Dad and I are good at fighting. Now as we are approaching the three week mark again they are telling us this is the end. This system is so broken. In the news everyday you see stories of people who completely lose it and do something that makes us go "what were they thinking" or "Why were they even able to do that"? The answer is because that mental health is so misunderstood. Its tabo and no one wants to talk about it, let alone fix it. Everyday people who are a danger to them selves or to others are released from institutions because it is so expensive and an insurance company can decide their fate. Many people choose to not take their medications and get judged for that. What so many people don't understand is that many of these people are not diagnosed early enough. We are truly very blessed because we are trying to help Grace early on with all of this. The doctor and therapist have said that early intervention is important for Grace to have a happy and successful life. So we fight, and we will keep fighting.

Grace's team is trying to find the right balance of medication and therapy to help Grace. However this is a long and very difficult process. Also a lot of trial and error. They have to constantly watch Grace's levels through blood draws. I can't imagine having her at home and taking her to therapy 3 times a week, and to several doctor's appointments, as well as taking care of everything else in day to day life. Not only that, but Grace is very hard to hold down when she is having a melt down. I wonder if the insurance company will pay for someone to be here with us to help us when she is blowing up? Simply we can't do this on our own right now. The diagnosis that are being discussed right now are Autism, Bi Polar, TBI, and ADHD. Any one of these alone is a lot to handle, but all of these together is too much.

At this point we feel like we are running out of options. We feel like it is not safe to bring Grace home, and we can't afford to keep Grace at Hogwarts. The monthly cost is so scary. I wanted to cancel my trip that i just went on, but it was already paid for before any of this started. Dad and my therapist and many of you told me and supported me in my time away. I am glad I went and I had an amazing time. Really the time of my life. I feel as if I can face all of my reality once again. At this point we feel our only option is to ask for help. We are starting to fund raise to try and keep Grace at Hogwarts as long as the doctors feel she needs this level of care. I will be honest, its about $10,000 per month for her care. We have set up an account on gofundme.com we are also starting to plan a dinner and action event. (more details to come)

We will fight to do what ever we can to Save Grace.

http://www.gofundme.com/4ppzx4

Stop this ride I want to get off...

This roller coaster is more then I feel like I can handle today. I am fighting as hard as I can, but how long can I keep going like this???

So last Friday Grace had her neuro testing done. Now we sit and wait and wait and wait for the results to come back. I talked to the Doctor's assistant today and clarified that Grace dose for sure have a ABI. It is diagnosed for sure. Grace falls into the mild category. Don't let the mild fool you, it is still pretty serious. I am hoping that having an actually diagnosis will help us fight the insurance company.

We found out that Grace is covered for the next week at Hogwarts. However we do know that the insurance is getting very anxious to get her out. Here is my problem. Grace has done really well this past week. That would seem like good news right? Well the insurance thinks one good week means that she is all better and ready to go home. WRONG!!!! Look at the past several months. She is good for a week or two and then completely crashes again. I have started calling all over to several different agencies to look for help. I have called the county and the state. My biggest concern is how do I bring Grace home when I don't feel it is safe to have her here. She doesn't hit at Hogwarts because she knows she will be put in a small locked room by her self. I can't do that at home. Its child abuse if I do it!!! Go figure. Also if she comes home and hurts her brother or sister, then I am in trouble for not protecting them. WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO DO???? I feel like I am being set up to fail. I am so ready to scream and cry. I want her home, but not until she has had time to get the help she needs. I really feel like I am ranting today. I am so emotionally and physically exhausted from telling Grace's story over and over and over again. It is not getting me anywhere!!! I just hope that someday the right person hears this and has the right answer for all of this. I am just a Mom trying to save my child.

On the plus side we are going to bring Grace home for two nights. This is to see maybe she is more ready than we think she is. We'll see. I pick her up tomorrow night and we take her back on Saturday morning. Here's hoping we all survive. The good thing is, if we have any problems we just take her back to Hogwarts. At least I know there is help there if I need it. I am really excited to have her home. I hope that it goes well. I think we all need a little hope right now. Please pray for us this weekend!!! One of two things will come from this weekend, One she will do great and we will look forward to bringing her home, or Two it will be awful and insurance will agree to keep her at Hogwarts. I guess we don't have much to loose!!!

Sorry for the ranting and rambling. I am just so drained today.

Back on track

Today was a good day. I feel like we are back on track with Grace. Her therapist is back from vacation.  I told him he can't go on vacation again. He was gone one week and our whole world just about fell apart. Back one day though and he is back on top of things. I have been trying to schedule the neuropsychological testing for Grace and that has been so difficult. Everyone is scheduled 4 to 6 months out. When I was talking to the insurance company they asked why I was the one doing it. I told them that the staff at Hogwarts told me that I had to do it. She started to wonder why they were paying Hogwarts if I was doing it? She called the school and they got it scheduled for this Friday. I could not believe that they can do it that fast. Happy Day!!!! This should be very helpful in getting the full picture of what we need to do to help Grace. This testing from what I understand is very expensive and insurance usually won't pay for it that easily. Given the option though of paying for residential treatment vs. testing it was a simple choice for them. I was also happy to hear that we won't have to wait weeks for the results. They will have the results by the first part of next week. Finally everything is coming together. I think I am going to sleep much better tonight!!!!

Happy Day!!!

I am feeling very hopeful and happy today. It is a really nice feeling I have to say.

Sunday we were able to go and visit Grace again. We took a completely different approach to this visit. I decided that it was going to be a fun visit. Grace had mentioned that she needed some chap stick and some undershirts. I had bought those to take to her. I decided to get her a few fun things as well. I had talked to a staff member a while back and she mentioned that the girls were really in to word searches right now. I bought Grace several word search books as well as a suduko book, a coloring book, crayons, and markers. My friend came to visit and had bought a toy for Brother and Sister so she asked if she could get Grace another coloring book for me to take with the other things. It was so fun to see Grace's eye light up. She was so happy she said just to get the visit, but the stuff was a really nice bonus. Our visit was actually so fun. Grace was her normal happy self. I hadn't seen her this relaxed and happy in a very long time. We had fun playing a game together and painting her nails. We took so fun pictures together and just laughed as a family. I can't tell you how beautiful it really was. I love the days like Sunday. I want and hope for more of them.

As great as Sunday was that is not what is making me happy today. Yesterday was a crazy busy day filled with many phone calls to many different people. We are trying to get our support system in place so that we can be ready for the day that Grace can come home. I am so excited because between all the people we have talked to we are coming up with a Great plan. My phone calls were to set up her testing, the school district, Home therapy groups, and dance studios. So her is our very basic plan for now. The school district is concerned that Grace coming home and acclimating back to life and school may be too much for her to handle all at once. I have to say that I see their point. So it has been decided that Grace will do 6th grade online from home. This will give us flexibility to schedule her many therapy and doctors appointments. Also if Grace is having a bad morning or a melt down I don't have to stress that she will miss school. The school district will still oversee her studies and do all of the lesson planning. Really that seems so perfect. We are also going to put Grace in a dance class. We haven't decided what style yet, hence all the phone calls. I am starting to feel like I can actually do this. It just takes time to let everything sink in.

The most amazing thing through all of this has been my own research. I have been wondering about the ABI. What does it mean? What is the difference between ABI* and TBI**? What are the symptoms between the two? I found a website that was a great help. Really when I read the site I thought they had just completely described my child. The page a fact sheet about Acquired Brain Injures in Children. There are four main areas of concern. Sensory and Motor, Cognitive, Language and Communication, and Language and Communication. Here is the paragraph that describes Grace perfectly...

Social, behavioural and emotional

A child may experience difficulties relating to peers and siblings and have difficulty joining group activities. They may appear very demanding of their parents' or teachers' attention and have difficulty following rules and instructions. A range of behavioural problems may arise after acquired brain injury, which may include: depressed or anxious mood, hyperactivity, distractibility, impulsivity, poor judgment, reduced control of anger and frustration, mood swings, aggression, sleep disturbance, and poor motivation and initiation. When social, behavioural and emotional problems are recognised early in recovery, a number of rehabilitation strategies may be employed in the school and home environment.

http://synapse.org.au/get-the-facts/acquired-brain-injury-in-children-fact-sheet.aspx 

I have called and read the article to Grace's therapist and her Pediatrician today and both said, you just described Grace. It is amazing. This helps us understand the why. What we will still have to work on is how to help her overcome it. I know I haven't found a miracle cure, but understanding goes a long way. I am hopeful that this will mean less medication for Grace. I am not a fan of medication. I know there is a time and a place for it. I just want to try everything to avoid it. Here is hoping that we are able to go down a better path to help Grace. 

*ABI- Acquired Brain Injury
**TBI- Traumatic Brain Injury
This article explains the difference between the two injuries.http://www.biausa.org/FAQRetrieve.aspx?ID=43913

Not Ready!!!!

Wow, things have been really rough. Grace  has really been struggling. We went to visit last weekend and she had been in trouble at Hogwarts. When they brought her out to visit with us she was wearing some awful sweats and a t-shirt. I asked why she was wearing these awful clothes? I was told she was on restriction and while on restriction she can't wear her own clothes. Grace got really rude with the staff member who brought her out to me. I told her if she was going to talk to her like that that she could just stay in the awful clothes. She apologized to the staff member, they did let her change into her clothes for our visit after she changed her attitude.
 This last week I couldn't make the drive down for family therapy. We did a phone conference instead. I was already a little nervous about therapy because Grace's regular therapist was on vacation. The call started out just with some small talk. Then Grace started to complain about the other girls in her group. She got really worked up very quickly about how awful they all are. Then she started to say how much she hated all of them. I tried to distract her and move to another subject, but she wanted to talk about coming home instead. Grace then got completely stuck on talking about when she would get to come home. I told her that we needed to talk about other things before we would be ready to talk about her coming home. She just lost it and shut down. It was so hard because I couldn't see her and read her body language. Finally I said that I felt that it was best for me to hang up. She just started to scream and beg for me not to hang up. That is when you know that you have to anyway. I just hate seeing or hearing her like this.
 After our disaster of a phone call I got a call from another therapist at Hogwarts. I was informed that insurance had denied more time and we needed to be prepared to pick up Grace by the end of the day!!!! I was shocked!!! I really was not excited to go and bring her home when the last thing I heard from her was screaming. I lost it and just started to cry. How could this be happening? I started calling everyone from the school to the insurance company. I finally after tons of phone calls found the right person to talk to and they were able to authorize another day while they figured out what was happening. So in the end what I learned was that the therapist should have never called me and said insurance hadn't come through and he should never had said I was going to have to pick her up. He jumped the gun. What was really happening was the insurance company need some clarification and they place a pending note on her file. What needed to happen was Grace's doctor needed to talk to the doctor at the insurance company. What a mess. I talk to the insurance company today and was told that everything is fine and that Grace is covered through next Tuesday for sure. At that point they need another report to determine if she is still meeting medical necessity. So what is medical necessity? The insurance company wants to know can Grace's care be managed at a lower level? Is she a danger to herself or to others? It is a very small window of what they want in order to justify keeping her there. What I am learning is this means the insurance is getting very anxious to get Grace out of there. I talked with Grace's doctor just last week and the doctor told me that they think Grace needs about 9-12 months of care at Hogwarts. Well obviously the school and insurance company are not seeing eye to eye. Now it feels like we need a miracle. I called the billing office just to see how much self pay would be. Lets just say that one month at a discounted rate would buy a nice used car. That is not going to be an option. At this point I have decided that I need to work with Hogwarts to make the most of the time we have left. In the mean time I have to call and set up tons of meetings for once Grace is released. I have to have a physiologist set up and ready to see here, try to get in home therapy set up, and call the school district to get an IEP for her. Not to mention we are still trying to set up the neuropsychological testing. This is such a crazy system to navigate. The insurance person I spoke to today asked me to please write a book about how to do all of this. Who knows maybe I will? In the mean time I will keep pushing to get the best help I can for my Grace.
 Basically what I am figuring at this point is yes Grace will need long term care, however not necessarily from a long term treatment facility. Her care at some point will be managed by us from home. This really scares me at this point. Also it was suggested that if Grace does have a ABI then we need to file for disability for her. Having her on disability would help us with the co pays for her care as well as resources to help us avoid hospital stays. It's one more thing to do, but it may be the most important. Baby steps to figuring this all out.

Visit to the Doctor

Three months ago before Grace went into the hospital the first time her therapist had an idea that maybe Grace has a traumatic brain injury(TBI). This thought came because she just doesn't seem to know what her triggers are. The thought came that because she has struggled with Asthma for so long that there could have been time with out oxygen. Lack of oxygen can cause a TBI, who knew??? Well when her therapist presented this idea I remembered that Grace had an accident when she was one year old. When Grace was one she tried to climb into Brother's booster seat at our kitchen table. Her foot slipped and as she started to fall the booster seat caught her at her neck and the back of her head got caught by the back of the table. It completely asphyxiated Grace. I was in the bathroom when this happened. I found her blue with purple lips and immediately used my CPR training to try to get her to breath again. I was able to get her to take a breath but I couldn't get her to wake up and her breathing was not normal at all. I called 911 and waited for an ambulance. Grace was transported to the ER and was breathing and awake by the time we got there. They admitted Grace to the PICU because she was still very lethargic. After a few hours in the PICU she perked up and started to play. They decided at that point to move her to the pediatric unit for a night of observation. At the time of the accident the doctors warned us that there was no way of knowing if there would be any long term affects from the lack of oxygen. At the time we were just grateful to have our little girl still breathing. Honestly I was grateful to not be planning a funeral. It was really that bad. I refer to this day as the worst day of my mommy life. When I think about it I still tear up. Once I shared this accident with Grace's therapist she said we need to see a neurologist and soon. I called our pediatrician and he agreed that Grace needed to be seen. He made a ton of phone calls and found the bast doctor for Grace to been seen by. As Grace was admitted and working with the first hospital we told them what was going on and they dismissed our concerns. We just kept pushing forward and looking for ward to this appointment. We finally saw the Doctor last week. (I know it took a long time to blog about it!!)

So the thoughts from the doctor were not at all what I was expecting. I have to say first off that I loved the doctor. She was amazing with Grace and so attentive to all of my concerns. She asked a ton of questions not only about the accident but about other aspects of Grace's life. She asked a lot of questions about Grace's birth and she thinks there were some issues from her birth as well. When Grace was born almost 4 weeks early and she was in distress for the two hours before I delivered her. When she was delivered the umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck three times and her body once more. She was not doing very well and need help to breath. The respiratory team was called in and had to work on her for an hour. The doctor thought that this was a significant event as well. Between these two events as well as the breathing issues that came from having asthma that there is something going on in her brain. However she doesn't feel that it is a TBI. She thinks Grace has something called Acquired Brain Injury (ABI). I am not to sure how different this is from TBI, still have lots to figure out. One of our problems with Grace is that she gets what we call stuck on a topic and she can't focus on anything else for a long time. Usually a few hours. The doctor said that is very typical of an ABI. So now where do we go from here? The doctor has said that we need to have a Neuropsychological evaluation done on her. The testing will tell us where her strengths and her weaknesses are. Once we know all of this we can teach her to use her strengths to overcome her weaknesses. As with anything though it is going to take time to get the testing scheduled. That is my next mountain to climb.

Feeling Blue....

As I said in my last post this has been a really hard week and I am not dealing as well as I would like. My hope is that blogging will get it out and free my of these feelings!!! Here's hoping!!!

For some reason this week has been especially busy. Which seemed funny to me. Brother left at the begging of this week for camp. So I only had one child. Just Dad, me, and Sister. Sister was so excited to be an only child for the week. It was pretty cute!!! However being down one more child didn't mean I had any less to do. Work was very busy this week. I try very hard to manage my time well. This week I just couldn't seem to get a handle on it. Some how I did manage to accomplish everything that I needed to. Also I took the opportunity of only having one child to give Sister some added attention. We went and saw a movie that she has been wanting to see, we went and checked out a new splash pad near our house, we went to friends houses for play dates, had a sleep over, and went to a water park. Wow, no wonder I am exhausted!!! It was nice to be busy.

However all through out this crazy busy week our last visit with Grace has been on my mind. I called Hogwarts and talked to Grace's therapist. I needed to know how Grace was doing. I was wondering if she had come out of her bad mood. Well as it turns out she hadn't. She has had a hard time getting along with her roommates and following directions from staff. Her therapist said she was just a lot more down and not her happy self. I went in to Hogwarts on Friday for Grace's family therapy session. I was really surprised how bad Grace was doing. Every time Grace was asked a question she was defensive and would cry and yell. It was really hard to see her like this. Of course I've seen her like time about 100 times. It just never gets any easier to see. The therapist was actually kind of surprised. He had never seen Grace melt down like this before. After several attempts to calm Grace down we both realized she was not going to calm down in this situation. I told Grace that it was time for me to go and I stood up to leave. She completely lost it. Her therapist had call two staff members to take Grace back. He knew she wasn't going to go on her own. She grabbed onto me so tight. Here again was one of those moments were I just wanted to hold her and cry with her. It is such torture to hear her cry like that. I'm the MOM, I am suppose to make every thing all better. I know I can't right now. I have to do what's best. So when the therapist asked me to step out and to leave I had to. I hated walking down that hall away from her. I couldn't look back, I could hear Grace scream that scream that makes your hair stand up. I left and could do nothing for my baby. What kind of a Mother does that make me?  I have to trust so much right now... Trust that I am doing what is best for her, Trust the staff that they will treat her well, trust her therapist that he knows what he is doing, trust in my Heavenly Father that he will protect her. Trust is all I have today. Leaving after this visit was the hardest time to leave. I just cried. Thankfully after Grace was calm and safe her therapist called to tell me she was okay. That helped some, but it still was not easy. Also I was told that Grace will not be allowed to have her visit this weekend. We can't have Brother and Sister see her melt down so completly. They would not understand leaving her if she was screaming like that. It was really hard to tell them that there wouldn't be a visit this weekend. Grace won't find out until tomorrow that we are not able to come. Some of the hope is that when she finds out that she will kind of lose it. I know that sounds crazy, but there is a good reason behind it. Part of the plan right now is to throw Grace some curve balls. In order to keep her there and have it covered by our insurance she needs to act the way she does at home. Her therapist can only make this happen by kind of shaking things up. So as bad as it seems we need her to have some melt downs. Also when the staff can see and document the melt downs they can come up with more ways to help her. It is hard to fix something that you have never seen. Hopefully this will be helpful.

Today has been really hard. I have tried so hard to not let this get me down, but really how can it not? I want my family back under one roof. I want to be super mom and fix everything. I want to just make it all got away. Reality is not my friend today.

On my Mind

About two weeks ago we had an experience and I haven't been able to get it out of my mind. I think that means I am suppose to share it. We were eating lunch as a family at a local fast food restaurant. (minus one of course) At this time Grace had been gone about one week, so everything was just starting to sink in. I have had some pretty big ups and downs with my emotions trying to deal with all of this. On this particular day I was feeling pretty down. I was feeling a lot of guilt about if I was doing what was best for Grace. Anyway, we decided that we would eat outside. We sat down next to another family. They had a cute dog and it was a woman with her two grown daughters, and the daughters kids. There was this one little guy about 3 and he was so cute. He was just walking around the table and being so cute. I thought he was so adorable. He would say hi and talk and just was super friendly. We started to chat with the family about their dog and the adorable little boy. As we started to talk we noticed the older boy about 9 at their table. Turns out this boy was in town to be treated for cancer. He has been fighting cancer for about 3 or 4 years. He had just finished a very intense round of chemo and was heading back home. The Mother of this little guy was so upbeat and positvie. It truly amazed me. As we continued to chat we found out that the little guy we had be watching has cystic fibrosis. He also has been going through some pretty difficult treatments. The two moms were twin sisters. So here they bother are struggling to help their children fight life threatening illnesses. Both women were all smile and so friendly. You would think that life couldn't possible put one more thing on their plate, but wrong. Their mother is also fighting cancer. WOW!!! How much could one family take. I kid you not 20 minutes before this they seemed like just a typical family out for an afternoon lunch. Now in my mind this was a family of super heros. Here I was feeling sorry for myself and my family. Poor me, my poor child, my poor family!!! REALLY!!! What do I have to complain about? Grace is not going to be fighting for her life in all of this. Yes this sucks, and this is hard on all of this. At least we will get to bring her home and be together again. I did share with this family a little of our situation and told them that meeting their family was an amazing reality check for me. There is always someone going through more then you. Is this still hard? Absolutely!!!! But this is not the end of the world. This last week has been especially hard for me, however every time I think I can't take more I remember this amazing family. I know we meet people at times for specific reasons. I am grateful that I met this family on this day!!!

Not so good visit

Sorry it has taken so long to sit down and write this. It has been a really busy week. And honestly it was a tough visit which was really hard for me. Anyway here goes.

Last Friday I had the opportunity to go to Hogwarts for Grace's weekly therapy session. It is really nice to go and see her therapist work with her. I also get to hear more about how her week has gone. She is doing school and she has other activities she gets to participate in. This last week she shared that she is not getting along with one of her roommates. This actually made me laugh just a little because she doesn't get along with her roommate at home either. (aka, her sister) The visit was pretty basic overall. Really I enjoy the time because its just her and I. Dad chose not to come and we call him on speaker phone if he is needed. During our therapy session Grace's counselor told us that we could take Grace off campus if we would like. I was very hesitant at first. However, Grace's counselor felt like we needed to get Grace into some real world situations again. So we agreed. It was really fun to see the Look on Grace's face when we told her she got to leave for a few hours the next day with us. She was warned however that if there were any problems at all we would have to cut the visit short and take her back to Hogwarts. She said she understood and so we made plans. We decided that she needed a hair cut desperately and she wanted to go to her favorite restaurant. So with the plans made it was much easier for her to say good bye. It is always easier when it's see you tomorrow instead of see you next week. I have to say everyone was really excited for this visit. Even Brother and Sister couldn't wait. 

Saturday morning was unusually easy to get Brother and Sister up and moving. We got up and ready and out the door right on time. We made it to Hogwarts right on schedule. First stop was to get Grace a hair cut. Her poor hair was looking really sad. The school was having someone come in to do hair cuts, but from what I was told they are just awful hair cuts. Everything seemed to be going well. We were able to get the haircut done and out of the way. We decided after the hair cut that we were all ready for lunch. We drove over to where Grace had asked to eat and enjoyed a nice lunch. After lunch is when things seemed to fall apart. I needed to send a work email and review so things that could not wait. Dad and I told the kids that I need 10 to 15 minutes to take care of this. Grace and her brother and sister decided to go sit on the patio where we could see them. It was really sweet to see them just being kids. It seemed so normal really. I loved looking out the window, it almost made it hard to work. I really just wanted to enjoy the moment. After a few minutes Grace came back in. I could tell she was a little frustrated. Grace has always been easy to read when she is upset. Even as a baby. There was never any doubt about what kind of mood she was in. I asked her what was wrong and at first she tried to say nothing and act like everything was fine. I told her that I could tell something was wrong and that we needed to talk about it.  She said Sister was starting to bug her and that was making her upset. I told Grace that she needed to learn to deal with her sister that its just a part of life. We are always going to have someone that we have to deal with that we may not get along with perfectly. That is just a fact of life. She said ok, and that seemed to be the end of it until we left. We were in the car driving to the mall and I had to take a work call. While I was on the phone I noticed Grace and Sister starting to argue. I couldn't deal with it right away because I was on the phone. I felt bad about having to deal with work, but it absolutely could not have been avoided. Dad was able to park the car and took the kids into the mall while I finished my work call. I walked into the mall when I was finished and met up with everyone and I asked Grace about fighting with her sister. She immediately became defensive and rude to me. It was exactly what I expected and why I was nervous about taking her out in the first place. I had to remind my self that her counselor wanted to see if this would happen. I took a dee breath and asked her to stop and said I wanted us all to have a nice day. She apologized and we continued on. I could still tell that she was holding on to her anger. I tried to not play into it at all and just kept going. We were walking through the mall and Sister decided to walk away from us. Dad and I didn't notice right away so Grace decided we needed to know. Which I agree that we did need to know. However Grace's goal was not to report it was to tattle. She decided to used a very snarky and rude tone of voice. I asked Grace to please change her tone of voice and to be nice to her sister. She said why? I'm fine. I told her no, she was being rude and that I didn't like her tone of voice. She said whatever and walked off. I felt like I had to let it go. It was not my goal to make a scene in the middle of the mall. We continued to walk through the mall just window shopping. We went into a store where I was interested in a really cute dress and I asked Grace for some help. Mostly I was trying to bring her out of her fowl mood and move on. She answered very rudely and said she didn't want to help me. I went into a dressing room and I came out to show Dad and I could tell that he was still struggling with Grace. I knew at this point this was no longer a leisurely afternoon of shopping. I hurried to change back and knew it was time to leave the mall. I was hoping we could go somewhere else and that would help. The next few minutes she just crashed. We couldn't even talk to her with out her giving us dirty looks and talking back. I warned her that if she didn't change her attitude we would have to take her back early. I really wanted to keep her as long as we were allowed. We still had over an hour before she had to be back. Really and honestly at this point I just wanted to yell and say cut it out. But really I knew even if I could yell at her it would have done no good. When I told her if she didn't cut it out we would have to go back she said fine, I don't care. She just got more angry and verbally aggressive towards everyone but Brother. We went directly to the car. There was nothing more that could be done. Once we got to the car and throughout the drive back to Hogwarts she was back and forth being mean and then trying to beg us not to go back. When we got back to school she hugged Dad, Brother, and Sister in the parking lot. I walked her back in and signed her in. When they came to take her back I said goodbye and she didn't even look at me. She barley even said goodbye back to me,  and walked back and the door closed. I thought well that went just great. I needed to wait for the on call therapist to come and speak with me so I sat down in the lobby. Not even 10 seconds after the door closed I could her Grace scream. They opened the door again and brought her back to the lobby, she jumped into my arms and begged me not to leave her. Talk about a roller coaster of emotions. I let her hug me for a minute then I told her that I loved her but that she needed to go now. It took telling her a few times but she finally let go and went on her own. In some ways I wish the staff member would not have let Grace come back out. I think it would have let a bigger impact with her if she had to live with he fact that she didn't really say good bye and then not get to see me for a whole week. I talked to the therapist about this and he actually agreed with me. He is going to talk to the staff and so it shouldn't happen again. I was glad to hear that I am on the right track. It is never my goal to be mean. My only goal is to help her. Unfortunately we are at the point of tough love. That seems to be the hardest and most demanding emotionally to give. It is pretty easy to love when all is well, it is really hard to love when you feel like the whole world is crashing down around you. 

As terrible as the visit went it was actually good for a couple of reasons. One, it shows Dad and I that we did the right thing by taking Grace to Hogwarts. Honestly we have struggled somewhat with this decision. When we talk to her or her therapist and we hear all is well. Grace is being so good, there are no problems. We start to feel like total failures. We start asking "what are we doing so wrong?" We have to take a step back and realize that she is in what they call the honeymoon phase. In the beginning it is new and everyone is her friend. Now that she is settling in its a whole new ball game. Second, having Grace comfortable enough to melt down gives the staff an idea on ho to help her. If they never ever see what we see how can they help her?  And third, if she doesn't melt down and if the staff can't log it. If the staff can't log it then the therapist can't put it in his report and the insurance will not deem it medically necessary to have her there. At that point we would either have to bring her home or we would have to self pay.  It is several hundred dollars per day to keep her there. Ouch!!!! We really need the insurance to make this work. 

Sunday visit

Sunday we all made the drive back to Hogwarts. This time we had treats and games. On the weekends we are able to have a nice long visit. We brought in doughnuts and some fresh fruit. We arrived and were taken to a visiting room with Grace. We settled in and started by enjoying some real food. At least the fruit was real food. We then played game after game. It was so normal. Our family loves to play games. And for just a little while it was almost easy to forget where we were. All the kids were being silly and talking and just being kids. I loved every minute of it. I was able to show Grace some pictures of things we had done over the holiday weekend. We went to a wedding and to a friends cabin. Both were a lot of fun. (still weird to have one less with us) We told Grace how much she has been missed. She was very upbeat and loved telling us how she wants things to be different when she is able to come home. It is nice to see her trying. I have to admit that Dad and I are not sure how to take what she says. She has been in therapy for quite awhile, and she is good and talking the talk. We would like to see her walk the walk too. We could tell when Grace was coming to the end of her rope. We were playing a game and Sister started to bug her a little. The more Sister was hitting a nerve the more Grace was getting upset. We asked Sister to stop but Grace was already set off. I was impressed it took 3 hours for this to happen. Sister and Grace seem to be fire and ice. We decided it was time to go. We packed up all the games and food stuff and headed out. We had to sign out at the front desk and that's where Grace lost it again. I have to say she defiantly tried harder to hold it together this time. I turned to look at her one more time as I walked through the door and she was sobbing. I am glad that we went to see her, but it breaks my heart that she is so upset when we go. Hopefully that is what is helping her to work hard so that she can come home.

Group meeting

Last Wednesday Dad and I went to have a counseling session with Grace and her therapist. (We have decided also to refer to the facility that Grace is in as Hogwarts.) Seeing how Hogwarts is so far from home we took Brother and Sister with us. It was really nice to see all of our kids together even for just a little while. Brother and Sister sat outside in the hall for most of the meeting. Dad and I were really happy with how Grace's counselor was interacting with Grace. There were things that he was doing that we had spent two months trying to do in the last place. We really feel like Hogwarts is a great place for Grace. We were also able to meet with Grace's new doctor. She is so nice. Everyone really seems to be so in tune with Grace and her needs. I am very grateful that we have Grace is an environment that she can really learn and grow. We all were able to talk about what our plans and goals are for Grace to work on so that she can come home soon. I feel like our concerns are very much being addressed and heard. Again progress over the last place Grace was at. Of course that hardest part of the visit was having to say good bye. Grace was very upset and wrapped her arms around me and wouldn't let go. I finally had to say to her that if she didn't let go of me that we would not be able to come and visit over the weekend. It took her about a second and then she let go. It is so hard to be the mom and to put on the happy face. I wanted to just hold her and cry. I want to scream why can't I make this all better? I know it won't do any good, but I still want to do it. I think that is just the mom in me. I wake up every morning and I know I am a mom. However there are times like these that I feel the mom in me coming out. I think its that instinct to protect my children. I have to remember that having Grace at Hogwarts is what's best for her and all of us right now. It will also make bringing her home that much sweeter when she is ready. One day at a time, again!!!

A Good Monday!

Turns out there is such a thing as a good Monday. I was able to talk to Grace again yesterday. She sounded so much better yesterday then she did on Sunday. When I talked to Grace on Sunday she was sad because she couldn't find her pictures. Thankfully Mom to the rescue. I am the keeper of all lost things. Even from a distance. I told her where I thought I had seen her place the pictures. She was so happy to tell me that I was right about where they were and having them made her feel better. I only let her pick out 6 pictures to keep with her. She choose a family picture, a picture of her with her dog, a picture of Dad and I at a basketball game, and a couple of her with Brother and Sister. It was sweet to see her think about each picture. It is hard to decide where to draw the line on different things. You want her to feel comfortable, but at the same time this is not suppose to be a fun time either. Grace was happy to tell me that she was able to start school yesterday. Having something to do is good for her. I also was able to talk to her therapist and find out she actually had a rough weekend following directions and being rude to the staff. This is good because it gives reason for the insurance to keep paying for her to be kept there. If she were being a perfect angel all the time then the insurance would say there is no reason to keep her there, therefore no reason to pay. I am happy I was able to hear her not cry and actually sound somewhat normal. I am looking forward to seeing Grace at therapy tomorrow. She doesn't know that she gets to see Dad and I. It will be so fun to surprise her.

First Phone Call

We were able to talk to Grace yesterday!!!!! It was so wonderful to hear Grace's voice. It was also so emotional for all of us. We asked Brother and Sister to try not to cry. It was already so hard on Grace. We got to talk for about 45 minutes. It was so hard she kept begging for us to come and see her. They have asked us to not come until this coming Saturday. I have to say it is so hard to not talk to her everyday, and to not be able to see her for this long is so difficult. While we were talking to Grace she was upset because she could not find the pictures she had of our family. I was able to remind her of where I thought they got out. I am hoping that she found them and that made her day better. One thing we do with our kids at dinner time is we ask them their high and their low for the day. Dad was so sweet to think to ask her that on the phone. Of course her high was talking to us. Her low was not being able to see us in person. It breaks our heart to hear her so sad. She was so frustrated because she says things are moving slowly on the facilities part and they had not got her placed into the school program last week. She had a lot of down time to sit. That to me would be worse because time would go by so slowly. She also said that she wishes she could have got to the facility sooner because then she would almost be done by now. I thought that was interesting to her that from her. Brother talked to Grace and it was so sweet to hear him tell her I love you and I miss you. When they are all together they fight so much, but when they are apart they are so sad. Brother and Grace are only 15 months apart. Neither one of them remembers life with out the other. Sister had a really hard time trying to keep it together while talking to Grace. She was able to tell Grace that she was taking care of her stuffed animals. Sister is also taking care of Grace's dog. At this point none of us knows what to say to Grace. What do we tell her? If we tell her about the lunch and movie we went to then she will be sad. She needs to know that life goes on, but I don't want her to be hurt either. We did talk about when we do come to see her what we can bring her. We are allowed to bring in food. She asked for us to bring her Panda Express. I guess she is not eating well. I hope that the visit goes well. I can't wait until Saturday.

Because Life isn't hard enough right now!!!

I just have to start this post by saying WOW!!!! So last Thursday night we were just finishing dinner when we had a knock at the door. Dad answered the door to a man neither of us knew. The man identified himself as an employee of the state, from the child welfare dept. I couldn't believe it. At first I thought this must be normal for having a child going through what Grace is going through. Then he dropped a bomb. He was investigating a report on Brother. I was so shocked. The had a report that I had hit him and left marks on him. I just lost it and started to cry. So the only think I could think of was a really bad day that we had in May. Brother had a really bad day and instead of being content to wait it out in his room he argued and yelled at me for two hours. I did lose it, I'll admit it. I called Dad and said I needed him to come home from work and help me. He left work, but it takes 30 minutes to get home. Brother had been going out of windows and telling me I couldn't make him do anything. All of this started because he decide to tell me he was sick, when he really wasn't The fight started because he wanted to read and I said that he could, but that at the end of the day he need to write a 2 page book report. It was such a crazy day. He pushed and pushed every button I had for 2 hours. I tried to spank him (yes I do spank, please don't judge its not illegal) Well good luck spanking a almost 12 year old boy. I did end up smacking him in the shoulder. I immediately regretted it. I even ended up packing my stuff and telling Dad when he got home that I couldn't stay. He sat down and talked with Brother, and he realized that he should have backed off. Really I know I was the one who should have held it together.I in no way blame Brother, he is not the adult. I explained all of this to the State worker. In the end he felt that it was not something that would be defined as abuse. Also to clarify I have never left a mark on any of my kids. The next thing we were told made me laugh. There was also a  report that we lock our kids in closets as punishment. REALLY!!!! Who is telling you these lies???? Dad asked if he wanted to see our closets? None of them have locks. I just could not believe what I was hearing. They did ask to talk to Brother alone, and since we have nothing to hide we were fine with it.  In the end the State worker felt there were no concerns and it should be done. Talk about overwhelming. This really was not what we needed right now. I understand that have to keep kids safe, that's fine. The time just really could not have been any worse. I am not a perfect mom, I have never said that I am. I am doing the best that I can. At the end of the day I can just hope that it is enough!

Medication?

The one problem we keep running into is everyone wants to medicate Grace. My thoughts... I want Grace to learn to be able to control her temper because she has been given the tools to do so. Am I asking for the world? I am afraid of medications making her a zombie or masking the good parts of Grace. The other problem with medications are there are so many different ones. The doctors want to "try" medications. I have to say that I am more comfortable with her in the residential facility and them working on finding a medication and a dose that works. I am glad that we still have the final say in what she is given. When Grace was in the hospital I didn't like the idea of giving her a medication and then sending her home to see if it works. I was afraid of her completely blowing up and us trying to figure out what to do. I think a past experience may be playing into my fears a little. Last year Grace had been given lortab for pain after a surgery. Within two hours Grace had a major reaction to the lortab. She had a full psychosis episode. Talk about scary. She was screaming that she wanted to die. She said let me die in peace, I don't want to die in pain. That was such a scary night. Taking Grace to the hospital that night was so stressful. Dad held Grace while I drove. I was in tears and flying down the road trying to get to the hospital as soon as possible. I feel like this is what is making me so nervous about the doctors giving her different medications. I keep telling my self to just have faith in the process.

Help???

The number one question that we have been asked is what we need help with? I wish I knew!!! This has been so incredibly difficult for all of us. We are dealing with it in different ways. The only thing I can think of right now is we need prayers!!!!

The other thing I hear is, I don't know how you dealing with this and still have a smile on your face? The answer for that one is easy. If I don't smile, I will cry. I smile because I am doing the very best I can. I smile because I learned a long time ago that life goes on and dwelling on it doesn't make it any better. I smile because even as hard as this is right now its not forever. I smile because as bad as it is it can always be worse.I smile because my kids need to know it is okay to still be happy and have fun. And I smile because all of my kids need to know that it is going to be okay!!!! And when I smile, they know I am okay so they can be okay too. If I don't protect all of them and their childhood's who will? I am the Mom and that is what we do. At the same time I let them know that it is okay to cry, and to be sad. They need to know that we are sad and that we have to cry sometimes. One day at a time, I say that a lot. I really do believe that we will get through this, one day at a time.

Family fun minus one

Friday was the first Friday in months that Dad didn't have to work. His normal schedule is 4 ten hour days. With all the back and forth he has had to work on Friday's to get close to his hours. He has almost wiped out his personal time off. We were so excited to have him off and with the stress of the week we decided to treat Brother and Sister to some fun. And fun we had. We rode the train into downtown and had lunch. (3 out of 4 of us got sick, but it was the thought that counts) then we went to see Monsters University. (2 thumbs up on the movie, BTW) We did a little shopping before heading back home. It was a really nice time. The kids really needed the attention. Sister made it very clear that she needed some Mom time. She was attached to me the whole time. I was grateful that I was able to just focus on her. With Grace sometimes it's hard because she demands some much attention. I think Sister has just gotten use to sitting back. With Grace gone, Sister took the opportunity to have all my attention. I have to say it was really fun. Sister is such a funny little girl. She is always coming up with the most random thoughts that make us laugh. Brother I don't think liked as much attention. I started to notice that most of his clothes are too small. Then I started to think of the last time I really bought him any new summer clothes. That's when we decided shopping was going to be a necessary part of our day. He was not very happy about it at all. We still managed to make it fun for everyone. It was a lot of fun to see a side of our two kids that has been some what hidden by the need to have so much attention on Grace. It also started to make me some what relieved to have Grace some where safe so I could have this time with Brother and Sister. We miss her, but we are getting to see how bad this has been for so long. I worry about Brother and Sister because they have seen so much of Grace's outbursts. I wonder how it affects Sister especially. She is only 8. And really some of the outbursts have been pretty violent. I just hope that they will remember more of the family fun days and less of the other.

Leaving her was so hard!

On Monday we decided to find a residential treatment center. The hospital where Grace was admitted as a patient gave us several names of centers covered by our insuranse. I called around and found one that I liked and went to take a tour. The center is 75 miles away from our home, but seemed like the best place for Grace right now. As it turned out they had one bed available for Grace's age. I called to the hospital to tell them that I had found a bed. They were amazed, I guess it usually takes weeks to get a bed. We were able to get insurance to autorize her stay and we moved Grace on Wednesday.

Our day on Wednesday went something like this...
I was to the hospital by 8:30am to pick up Grace. Took her to another hospital near by to have Grace's cast removed. (10 weeks with a broken foot!) We finished about 10:15am. Just in time to find out insurance had approved Grace to be admitted to the residential treatment facility. We rushed back to the first hospital and got Grace officially discharged. I then had to stop to buy her some new tennis shoes (ones with out laces, in a women's size 8) and new underwear because I for got to pack her some. Then drive her the rest of the way to the new facility. I got her there at 12:15pm. Just in time to drop her off and be to work by 1:00pm. Talk about crazy!!!

So the drop off! I had a couple of outfits that I threw together that morning before leaving my house at 7:30am. (I took more things to her the following day) We walked in to the front lobby which was as far as I was allowed to go. They started by telling Grace some of the basic rules. She asked when she would be allowed to talk to or see me again? They told her that she would only be allowed to call me once a week, and we  could only visit on the weekends. I forgot to ask about visiting hours when I took a tour of the facility. I was a little shocked myself, but in my defense I've never done this. I was more interested in where she would be sleeping and eating and going to school and what kinds of therapy they would be doing. Visiting hours didn't even cross my mind. Also the facility is 75 miles away. Not like we could go everyday even if we could visit. So at this point I am a matter of minutes from leaving her there and now I find out I won't even be able to talk to her for several days. You try not to cry at that point!!! Trust me it sucked!!! I turn to Grace and I tell her, I love you so much! I tell her she can do this and that this is what is best. I am not sure she believes me, I am not even sure if I believe me. I give her a big hug and they take her away. At that moment I want to scream NOOOOOOOO! But I know I can't! I have to do this, I kept telling myself over and over and over as I make myself walk to my car. I was really proud of myself for not crying. Knowing that I had to go to work and put on a happy face is the only reason I kept it together I am sure. This was one of those defining moments we all have as a parent. For me I had to tell myself that the hardest things are usually the best things. As the parent I know what is best, she is just a ten year old child. She is to young to call the shots or know what is best for her. I just have to hope that she knows I love her and that is why I did this. My biggest fear is her hating me for it! So for now it is one day at a time, some times it's one hour at a time.

We have to realize at the same time that all of this is going on that we still have two other kids that need our love and support. Telling Brother and Sister what was going to happen was so sad. Brother being almost twelve try's so hard to be brave. This time he couldn't. Seeing him upset is so hard. Sister was even worse. She just started to cry and she asked "now who am I going to share a room with" Talk about breaking your heart. That was killer!!!They are doing better now. They have good days and bad, maybe it's more like good moments and bad. They really are trying. They are sweet to remember Grace in all of their prayers.

For now the plan for Grace is to be in the program for 4 to 6 months. That is as long as the insurance will cover it. They can be really difficult to deal with. We will just have to keep fighting! We've made it this far, I'm not going to give up now.

Why....

This seems to be such a loaded question, Why??? Why do we.... There are never any perfect answers to the Why. We just try the best we can. Right now my why is... Why did this happen??? 

Let me explain, I am a wife, mother, and many other things. I find the most value in being a wife and mother. I have been married to my amazing husband since 2000. We decided to start our family right away and within 5 years had 3 beautiful children. A boy and two beautiful girls. (for privacy only Grace's name will be used, all others will be generic) Brother came first and is such a sweet and sensitive young man. I say young man because he will soon be 12. 15 months after Brother came our dear Grace. We were very surprised to find out that we were going to be blessed with another child so soon. We were very happy none the less. Sister came a couple of years later to complete out little family. Life for us has always been busy with life. We love to travel, camp, play games, and enjoy time with extended family and lots of friends. Life seemed as normal as it was for any other family. However we are starting to realize just how untrue that has been.

Grace came into this world about a month early. She has seemed inpatient from the beginning. She was born perfect and had a healthy weight so there were no concerns. Home we went to start our life as parents of two kids. Grace struggled with breathing problems from a very young age, but we just dealt with it. What more could we do? When Grace was about 2 or 3 we started to notice that she was very quick to anger. We just thought this was her personality. when she was 3 we decided to seek help. counseling seemed to pay off very quickly and we were happy with the results. So on life went. Life really seemed to revolve around Grace's breathing troubles. The Doctor's in our area were trying, but could never really figure out what was causing Grace so much trouble. When she was 5 and a half we were finally able to get the help Grace needed. We still struggled and by figuring out the problem came a lot of daily maintenance medications. But she seemed to be happy and healthier, so we were happy. After Grace's health seemed better we started to notice her anger coming back in a big way. We just told ourselves she was bigger and we just kept trying to help her. Years seemed to go by so quickly. About 2 years ago we moved our family from one state to another to make a job change for Dad. It was a good move for our family, better schools, better area, closer to family. Not long after we moved we started to notice Grace's quick temper in a big way. We started talking to her pediatrician and asking for advice. Our problem was we down played how things really were and so the advice matched a much smaller problem. Finally on Valentines day of last year Grace just lost it. I wish I could remember what started it? What I do remember is that this was not normal!!! This child needed help and fast. After about an hour of screaming and yelling from both Grace and Mom I knew we had to do something different. I some how got Grace loaded into the car (with child locks on the back doors) and I took her to the hospital. The whole way telling her I love her and that we needed help. Well by the time we arrived at the hospital she had calmed down and was back to her normal sweet self. We met with a social worker and were advised to follow up with her pediatrician. Which we did. Grace was given an anti anxiety medication and we actually saw fast results. Happy day!!! Unfortunately it was short lived. About six months later and one more move into a permanent home, life got crazy again. We started to see outbursts again. Slowly at first, one every two to three weeks. Then one a week, then every couple of days, then every other day. Finally we couldn't take it any more. So in December back to the hospital we went. Again by the time we arrived Grace had calmed down and the staff saw her sweet side. This time we were advised to seek therapy for Grace and our family. So a few days after Christmas we started with a therapist. The first few weeks we didn't see much change. After a few weeks we actually started to see some positive changes. We were getting really excited and hopeful. After a short time of enjoying some calm, everything took another turn. Everything got worse. Grace would be set off over the smallest things. One night Dad had to call me to come and help. I get home to find Grace had kicked 2 holes in the walls and had kicked Dad in the back about 20 times. It was crazy. Over the next two months we went through so many outbursts. Grace threw a chair at me, tried to kick the dog, multiple times of attempting to punch or hit all of us. She tried to run away on several occasions. She even kicked me in the knee and dislocated it. That was the final straw! We took her to a place that let her cool down. After a couple of days she got to come home. The next week actually got so much better. Then Grace broke her foot. She was on crutches. That was a bad idea. Now she had a weapon. Every time she would get angry she would use her crutch to hit us. I knew we couldn't do this any more. On the advice of our therapist we went back to the hospital. This time however I didn't talk to her or engage her at all. This time when we got to the hospital she was still angry. After several hours in the ER meeting with social workers and doctors it was decided that Grace needed more acute care. She was admitted to a psychiatric hospital. Finally!!! I say finally because this was the best option. I knew they would be able to keep Grace safe. Grace spent one week there and then was released from inpatient and was then in day treatment. After a week and half Grace blew up again and had to be re admitted to in patient. It was such a roller coaster. After another 5 days inpatient Grace came home again and continued with Day treatment. Day treatment seemed to really be helping Grace learn new tools to use when she was angry. We were so happy to see the new way Grace was handling everything. We still were having what we refer to as hiccups. Day treatment for Dad and Mom was pretty rough. The treatment facility was a hour away from home, and then another 30 minutes to Dad's work. If Mom took Grace or picked her up it was a 2 hour round trip. Dad didn't work a full 40 hour work week for 2 months. But we did it willingly. We even had friends helping pick Grace up, which was a great blessing. Grace was nearing her release date from day treatment and we were all ready to celebrate, then she blew up again. To Dad and I this was the hardest blow up of all. We knew that there were some pretty big consequences to this blow up. We took Grace back to day treatment a day earlier then expected. There with the doctors and staff we made the hardest decision any parent should have to make. We decided to put Grace in to a long term residential treatment center.

Now come the Whys....

.... Why is Grace like this?

.... Why couldn't We help her?

.... Why did all the other things we try not help her?

.... Why are other people not going through this?

.... Why does no one talk about this?

The last one is the biggest why for me... Why does this seem to be such a taboo topic to talk about? I didn't do anything wrong!! Grace has not done anything wrong. Sure my home has a feel holes, and she hurt my knee. I heeled! I decided to start this blog because we are so lucky to have so many wonderful friends and family all over the world that love and support Grace. I wanted to have place they could go for updates. Also I wanted to be open about this topic in hopes that people realize this is nothing that we have to be ashamed of. If this is more openly discussed then hopefully more people can seek help when needed. I am glad that we are getting Grace the help she needs now at ten years old. It is my hope that in a couple of years this will all be behind us and we will be a calm and happy family again. Please feel free to share this blog with others, hopefully it will help others going through the same things.  Thanks for reading!!